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February 8th, 2010

‘On an Island in the Sun…’

A few weeks ago, whilst enjoying an extremely exhilarant converse  at a gathering hosted in a dear friend’s dwelling, I found myself holding court with a group of freshly-made acquaintances. The chat bustled back and forth as we all excitedly traded tales from our pasts. Where we were schooled, relationships that we may have formed, both romantically or otherwise, our preferred past-times etc etc. Oh how we enjoyed probing each other, digging deep with the aim of unearthing yarns detailing embarrassing endeavours of days gone by, giggling at the preposterous parallels that our life paths had inevitably taken. With the second chalice of red Wine starting to infiltrate my already merry mindset, making me even more at ease with my new friends (not to mention susceptible to mockery), I started to really open up and explain my love of Artistic expression. Once i’d exhausted my somewhat tedious spiel on Music journalism and reinforced my desire to one day craft a piece for Rolling Stone Magazine (a topic that i’ve been throwing out at parties for over five years, usually to the very same stifled laughter, traditionally followed by the feigned encouragement that could only be expected from a gaggle of  drunken minds you’ve just been introduced to/encouraged to engage with), I commenced the obligatory speech on what I was doing to achieve this lifelong ambition of mine. Naturally it wasn’t long before I regaled the masses with the details of this very site you have stumbled across/been forced to view by Chris, Mick or myself. I chatted animatedly about the wonders of ‘blogging’ and the courageous pursuit of flinging the thoughts and feelings I would so desperately like to have the stones to convey in the real world into cyber space.

As I reached for the cheesesticks, feeling somewhat superior that my drunken desciples were hanging off my every word, my reality was inexplicably ravaged down from upon the charismatic cloud my bragging had elevated it to.

‘Well, I just don’t see what you could possibly write about all the time Marty. How do you keep readers coming back every week’?

That was a sudden slice of sobriety I could have done without.

As we grabbed our coats and headed into the bitter evening air I started to do what no aspiring writer should ever do, I started to THINK!

When it all comes undone, i’m rather like any other single, caucasian male  hurtling towards that most maudlin of milestones ‘Thirty’! I’m still as foolhardy and frustratingly forlorn as I was a decade ago. I can be found frequenting the very same dankhole bars I probably should have outgrown midway through the ‘noughties’ and, perhaps most depressingly of all, I am still an underappreciated, nah, underachieving office Monkey who makes his own lunch everyday as a cost-cutting exercise and wears Captain America briefs to convince himself he is still, y’know, a ‘zany’ type of guy. Shirley was right, what on earth did I have to say that anybody would ever have the slightest shred of interest in? Worse still, how was I even going to convince my friends to tune into my latest entry? My confidence was shot, the unthinkable had happened: I’d lost the power to boast!

The next couple of nights consisted of tossing and turning and panic-stricken scribbling that resulted only in nonsensical noodlings so awkward it could have been torn straight from an adolescent Adrian Mole diary. This was quite a slump. What the hell was I going to do?

Then, it hit me. OF COURSE! I had a wealth of wisdom that was just waiting to be tapped into. A set of stories so scintillating, so spectacularly scandalous that I could dine out on it for months. All I had to do was lift the lid on one of the most embarrasing episodes of my young life thus far. I guess  enough time had passed to share with the World (Wide Web) MY TRAVEL DIARY!

For you see dear reader, I spent ten monumental months entertaining guests from all over Europe as part of an Animacion team in the enviable location of Spain. My time there was unquestionably the most adventurous journey, not to mention an unprecedented period of self discovery, that I have ever had the pleasure to undertake. Needless to say it was also inhabited by a cast of characters, unsavoury serpents and weird and wonderful wimseys. A troupe of theatrical treasures you very seldom have the chance to cross during the rather dull nine to five existence.

I hereby officially announce the commencement of a five-part mini series, my account of those heady hedonistics right here at ‘OnlyBees’.

So if you’d like to learn about how I was almost killed by Spanish gangsters, my days spent in Canarian crack dens, my brief romances with German goddesses and Slovakian princesses, how I was touched inappropriately by a five foot homosexual choreographer or the night I finally got to see my idols Boney M perform ‘Daddy Cool’ stay tuned to ‘ONLYBEES’.

Episode one to follow…

Ciao bella

Marty!

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February 6th, 2010

Cow-boy

Poor Terry.

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by Chris | Posted in Pics | 1 Comment » | Tags: ,
February 4th, 2010

Achievement Unlocked: One Superpower

I was watching Watchmen last night (answering that most iconic of questions) and a thought occurred to me. Specifically, it was during the scene where the physicist, John Something, is trapped in the room with the *SCIENCE EXPERIMENT* that eventually turns him into Dr Manhattan, the all-conquering blue boy with a taste for replicating himself whilst doing his missus. He goes through a bit of an ordeal to get there, but the end pretty much justifies the means.

He’s accidentally locked in a room alone, with his colleague and girlfriend panicking outside. There’s even a little countdown clock, dripping the seconds away to his impending doom. He’s screaming, shouting, banging on the 6-inch-thick glass and generally waving his arms in an effort to, I dunno, take flight or something. Men in white lab coats are dashing about outside. Then nothing much happens, except he’s zapped away and crumbles to dust in a glorious flash of blue. Later, he’s powerful and yadda yadda but it got me thinking.

Having been raised on comics and science fiction etc, I don’t think I’d panic in quite the same way if I found myself trapped in some sort of experiment about to go wrong. I’d assume I’d come out of it at the other end with atleast some sort of useful superpower.

Example 1. Doc Ock, atleast in Spiderman 2, was given huge powerful arms by an experiment . Granted, he really pissed that opportunity into the wind by annoying Spider-Man and practically handing control of his body over to the arms (which was his own fault for putting the inhibitor chip in a prominent place next to a sign that said “Don’t smash this chip please thanks”), but HUGE POWERFUL ARMS. METAL ONES. THAT YOU COULD CLIMB BUILDINGS WITH. I’d go for that.

Example 2. The Hulk. Who is awesome. Who wouldn’t want that?

Most well-known superheroes are the result of some sort of scientific or medical accident/experiment gone awry. So being in such a situation wouldn’t be the end of the world. Well, unless the experiment caused the end of the world, but that’s a different story. It wouldn’t usually be immediate atleast, giving you time to hone your new found power and have a bit of a play about.

Worst case scenario? Sandman. Who, erm, gained all the fantastic power of Sand. Or Daredevil who, although not exactly the result of an experiment, was made slightly less blind and shoved into a pansy red suit. I know he can’t exactly see it, but you’d think someone would tell him he looks daft. Like a special kid who’s allowed to dress himself, and leaves the house wearing nothing but orange stockings and a cape.

Even Dr Gordon Freeman, in the game Half-Life, comes out of his huge scientifical disasterpiece a fucking hero. He doesn’t die horribly, he gets zapped about the universe a bit, then grabs a crowbar and gets fucking busy. He went from boring scientist, shoving carts into boxes at the behest of some disembodied voice, to being SUPER AWESOME COOL MAN and smashing head-crabs like it ain’t no thang. He was even able to keep his silly little beard.

Even if you die, completely and utterly, there’s still the chance someone might rebuild you with *SCIENCE* and make you stronger. Your body might have been fused with incredible amounts of Superidium, or whatever.

In short, if you want to be a hero, get yourself to a lab and hang around a bit. Poke some things. Stick your head where you shouldn’t. Even if you only come out of it with something like a giant hand, it’s still a giant hand. Fer smashin’.

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January 28th, 2010

The Airhorn Principle

I, Chris, have developed a new theory.

There are a few things I believe every human being should own, ‘just in case’. On the off-chance they might come in useful one day. They’re not important objects, but they’re things that might improve your life immensely, even if it’s only for an hour or two.

Pointless things, at first glance. Things that only really come into their own in very niche circumstances.

I’m calling this theory ‘The Airhorn Principle’, and it applies to a great many things.

 
The Airhorn

Let’s start with it’s name-sake, the airhorn. The only possible reason to own one of these is attract attention to something. More often than not, that ’something’ will be the person you’re about to absolutely terrify with a blast from the airhorn. It’s otherwise completely useless, and it may sit and gather dust for months on end. Until the time comes.

It might be a sleeping housemate, or an unsuspecting shopper browsing the bread aisle in Asda. It might be a lonely man, slowly raising his pint to his lips at the end of a long, hard day. (Note: ‘honking’ the last one might get you beaten up, so beware). From this perspective, the Airhorn’s possibilities are endless.

Regardless of the target, an airhorn will improve that hour of your life. It’s never not funny. Whether the man simply turns around and calls you a cunt, or drops to the floor, writhing in the midst of a cardiac arrest, you’ll still laugh. Even a total non-reaction from the target is funny.

 
Megaphone

This is almost the same as the airhorn, but with one important difference: The loud, blaring noise can be almost anything you want it to be. As a comedy prop, it’s invaluable. Even the unfunniest line from the shittiest comedy would be funnier if the speaker suddenly screamed it through a megaphone. It’s practically science.

The Megaphone is just one of those things that’d be handy to have. They even come in small, portable sizes that you can clip for your belt, for on-the-go screaming. At a BBQ? Is the garden a bit crowded, blocking your path to yet another hot dog? “HOT DOG PLEASE!” you can shout to the cook. He’ll hear you. You’ll get your fucking hot dog. Crowded bar, struggling to be served ahead of the kind of bell-end who relishes ’shoving in’? Megaphone. Easy.

So come on, reclaim the megaphone from those crazy street-preachers.

 
Chainsaw

Just the act of buying a Chainsaw will give any man a warm feeling in their rock-hard erection. Almost anything from a DIY shop will, actually. It’s just such a manly thing to do.

It doesn’t even matter what you use it for.

“This tree needs to come down. I’ll get my Chainsaw.”

“There’s a bit of thread hanging off your sleeve. Hang on, I’ll fetch my Chainsaw.”

“Why won’t this printer/scanner work?! I’ll fetch my Chainsaw.”

Also, it’ll turn out to be incredibly handy come the dawn of the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Don’t be caught short – get yourself a chainsaw.

 

There are more, but you get the idea. Paintball gun, BB gun, Spraypaint, a dog with the face of Roy Orbison. It’s all good.

 

 

 

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January 27th, 2010

You can’t spell unlimited without limit

This might initially sound like a rant about something that just happened, but bare with me, it’s not. It hasn’t exactly happened to me, but that doesn’t mean companies should be allowed to do it.

Why are companies allowed to offer “unlimited” services. I’ve only ever reached the limit on one of these once, but the idea of having a limit to reach is down right ridiculous. Most of these unlimited packages offered by large companies have strict limits. They call them fair usage policies and say it’s to stop you interfering with another customers service. The only fair amount of usage in an Unlimited usage package would be as much as I want and without limit.

unlimited (comparative more unlimited, superlative most unlimited)
1. limitless or without bounds; unrestricted

If your system can’t handle offering something as unlimited, then how the hell can you advertise it? Surely it’s flat out lying. If I sold someone 10 fancy new baseball caps, and when they came to collect them I said they could only have 1 of them as I intended on selling the other 9 to other people, I couldn’t get away with that for long.

A while ago I needed a new internet connection, so I phone good old BT and request to be put on the Unlimited download package. I don’t really care about speed, even 2mb/s would be fine for me, if I could leave it downloading whenever I wanted. The lady on the phone was happy to offer me Option 3, the most expensive package, called the Unlimited package. This is one step up from the Heavy Usage package, and I would even consider “heavy usage” to be more than I need. So I sign up, taking the unlimited package, so I can “Downloading as much as you want, when you want”.

No more than 3 months later, I find out that I can’t download anything anymore. Websites won’t load, and a speed test informs me that I’ve got a connection of around 100kb/s. That’s a fifth of the speed of the first broadband connection I ever had, 5 or so years ago.
This is quite odd, but I leave it a few days thinking it might just be a problem on their end. Eventually, after getting fed up with this terrible service, I decide to give them a ring. Spending maybe an hour on the phone, talking to tech support, restarting my computer 3 or 4 times, using my laptop instead of my desktop, plugging directly into the router, and everything else I’d already tried before phoning them, they tell me I’ve been limited due to downloading too much.

There must have been a mistake, I’m definitely paying the price for the Unlimited package, but maybe they didn’t set it up properly, so I ask to be put through to someone I can talk to about it. This must happen quite a lot, as I get put through to an angry sounding woman who starts shouting at me for downloading too much at the wrong times of the day. After a lengthy chat about what unlimited means and how having a limit is not unlimited, she tells me that I’m not only limited for the rest of the month in which I surpassed this limit, but the entire month following, as well. She then says there’s nothing that can be done and to go away.

Long story short, the Unlimited package from BT will limit your download speed if you download more than their imposed limit. I wonder if they cut off your phone for talking too loud as well.

My second experience with this is a recent email I received from Orange. I won’t go into detail about the hassle it took to finally receive a useful reply from them. To sum it up, after emailing the sales department I received a reply saying “Unfortunately this department does not hold information on Orange products or services”, again, that was the sales department I sent the email to.

Anyway, I got a more reasonable reply after pointing this out, in which I was offered Unlimited texts on a Dolphin package. Awesome I thought, unlimited texts, just what I required. Until, the very next sentence, which was as follows; “You should be aware that there is a fair usage policy on unlimited text messages, this will allow you 3000 text messages per month”.

So this is Orange telling me that I can get unlimited text messages, and that somehow means a limit of 3000.

There’s two companies who offer an unlimited service, and have a very fixed idea of what the limit is. Does the problem lie with me? Am I expecting too much from the word unlimited?

I would be fine if they said that it’s unlimited, did not have a fixed number for the limit, and only had a problem if I was abusing the system in an abnormal way. Maybe if I had automated text sending and was sending a text every half second during the peak hours, or something. Even then, sure, they’re applying a limit, but a very reasonable one.

To be able to hit the limit of “unlimited”, with a fairly normal usage of the system, suggests they are not in any place to offer an unlimited service, and as such should not be able to advertise an unlimited service. If your service is degraded for people around me due to my usage, then you need to upgrade the service you offer the other people, not downgrade the service you offer me to cover it.

How the hell do they get away with it. Where is the loophole in the advertising laws that say you’re allowed to do this? More importantly, why do these loopholes still exist?

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by Mick | Posted in Misc | 1 Comment » | Tags: , , ,
January 27th, 2010

Will Using Twitter Make Me An Internationally Famous Star?

No.

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by Chris | Posted in Life | No Comments » | Tags: ,
January 22nd, 2010

Get Some, Go Again (The night I met Henry Rollins)!

Whenever I decide to raid my Musical memory bank, I often uncover the same select slew of Artists that can be held accountable for the fiery fascination I have always enjoyed with the expressive art of Music. As an Acne-addled teen I found solace in Music much the same way as any misunderstood youth striving to find a place where they can belong. Music has always been a most attractive magnet for the supposed ‘loners’ who skulk around aimlessly, sporting slogan tee’s and quoting their Alternative idols with a religious rigour. I can clearly recollect hearing ‘Beetlebum’ for the very first time, the initial cut from Blur’s revigorating eponymous effort, a release that enticed me to plunge headfirst into my first real relationship with my first real ‘favourite band’. The sonic, lo-fi effects that can be heard eeking out of that record would lead me to discover other ‘Indie’ bands, most notably those groups that were littering  American college rock radio ie Nada Surf, a trio who’s output would push me into a dizzying Musical journey that would inevitably culminate in my final resting place being my beloved ‘Grunge’ era. Needless to say, I, just like those aforementioned outcasts, fell in lust with the characters that populate the Alternative Music scene. Whether your poison of choice be the dark, almost demonic figure that Trent Reznor has cut for the past twenty years or the flamboyant fancies of Flaming Lip Wayne Coyne, the Alternative Music scene, specifically that of the nineties, was never short on the weird and the wonderful.

Whilst the Alternative Rock phase has had many a tag tossed towards it one undeniable fact remains seldom spoken, the principle members of this ’scene’ remain active to this day. Whether it be through the numerous reunions that have infected the current, in my opinion otherwise lacklustre, Musical landscape, or through forming other acts/cutting solo deals, those jeffe’s of Generation X just WILL NOT DIE!!!!

I put this durability down to one simple factor: TALENT! Those key figures of the last great Musical revolution were just a lot more talented than today’s heavily mascara’d mob. One name that sums up this six letter word better than almost anybody else is HENRY ROLLINS!

Actor, Author, Activist, Publisher, Recording Artist and general all-round good egg,  Hank Rollins is quite possibly the last great renaissance man. To continue with my theme of nostalgia, my favourite memories of Mister Rollins can be summed up by the exuberance exhibited by my Brother and I over a decade ago viewing a somewhat dated spoken word performance on a battered VHS tape that had seemingly been passed around our entire family tree. What we discovered on that historic Spring afternoon was a mere introduction to the true extent of this man’s numerous talents. As was always the case back in those days, my elder sibling boasting more mileage on his Musical clock could testify to being a faithful disciple for several years, however we were both sat in a stunned silence at this spectacle that our innocent eyes were privy too.

For the proceeding ten years we have followed Henry’s somewhat experimental endeavours with a keen interest. From his turn as a White Supremacist in a weekly American drama series to his tireless efforts of raising political awareness throughout the entire World, Rollins continues to shock and surprise with his versatility which is exactly what a roomful of devout converts experienced two days ago when the relentless Rollins touring  schedule rolled into Liverpool.

Infamously intense, heavily inked  and exuding an unparalleled punk pedigree you could be forgiven for reading this gargantuan gladiator wrong. Having fronted seminal Punk pioneers ‘Black Flag’ and his very own ‘The Rollins Band’, Hank’s recorded output is a brutal sprint through the mind of a very angry, extremely disillusioned young man. What Liverpool bore witness to however was a two and half hour insight into a man who has packed several lifetimes worth of adventure into his forty eight years on Earth. Henry Rollins employs the most enquiring mind I believe I have ever come across. Regaling his besotted brethren with tales of adventures  as diverse as sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with William Shatner to partaking in a trek to the Indian city of Bhopal to pay his respects at the 25th Anniversary of the worst industrial disaster in history. Despite his imposing frame Rollins is actually a fiercely intelligent individual who has crafted his universal knowledge not in a classroom but from scaling the very ends of the planet, viewing downtime as his mortal enemy and choosing instead to venture on leaving no stone unturned as he continues to plough into any new experience that will quantify his quest for adventure. If nothing else you have to respect anyone who can continually crow on for well over two hours without even a refreshing glass of water at hand to recharge.

They say you should never meet your heroes, my rebuttal to such a claim would be to get better heroes for if you can spend an evening in the company of a lauded icon who can engage you for such an amount of time as I did then you are obviously worshipping at the alter of the inferior.

The chills I experienced that night teleported me back to that pimply, pre-pubescent little boy that felt like he was discovering something special all over again.

This is how Music, or Art in general for that matter, should consistantly make you feel, sadly it’s an all too rare occurrence but those few impassioned souls can still envoke this most desired reaction and make you realise why you got into all this in the first place.

Thank you for reading this – Marty!

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January 21st, 2010

The Mime Diet

The Mime Diet

A diet plan by Michael Prince. This diet was formulated specially for mimes, and as such should not be approached by anyone without specialist training. There are health risks to this diet, but I believe them to be easy to handle and completely worth the end result. If you suffer any adverse affects, please mime the actions of seeing a doctor.

The first step to this diet, is to stop eating the fatty, horrible, tangible foods you already eat now. The best way to do this, is to completely stop eating food from this point. You have to make a large commitment to this diet for it to work effectively.
Once you get your head around the idea of not eating any other food, no matter how your cravings feel to begin with, and stick to this diet, you are ready to begin. By continuing to read on, you agree to follow this diet completely for it’s full course, and that you are a qualified mime.

Now that you’ve decided to commit, lets reward ourselves. Can you imagine the biggest juiciest greasy burger you’ve ever seen. Covered in melted cheese and grilled onions. Surrounded, on the plate, by heaps of chips. This is your first meal in the diet. You’ve imagined it, now imagine it on the table infront of you. If it helps, grab yourself a plate and put that down first, then imagine the food on the plate.
Tuck in, you deserve it.

I urge you not to read ahead and spoil the diet for yourself. This will likely lead to you only following the bits you want, and not the important and possibly harder to follow parts. I assure you that things will be better all around if you follow this diet strictly, and as outlined here.

I understand that you may feel hungry during this process, but that’s to be expected. You must not, and I cannot stress this enough, resort to eating normal food again, as an easy way out. Sure, it’ll stop you feeling hungry, there’s no doubt about that. It will also stop any progress you’ve made thus far, and set you back to square one.

For your first 2 weeks on this diet, you are free to mime all the meals you would normally eat, to ease you into the routine. If you would have a bowl of Crunchy Flakes for breakfast before work, please get your bowl and spoon out as normal. Put them down in front of you, and then imagine the tastiest bowl of Crunchy Flakes you’ve ever eaten. That’s one of the major positives with this diet, you’ll never eat a sub-par meal again. Your food will all be as enjoyable as you can imagine.

By now, you probably feel very hungry, as if the mimed foods are doing nothing. This is absolutely normal, please do not feel tempted to eat normal food again. You really need to make this commitment, in order for this diet to actually work. As long as you are drinking plenty of water, and getting your three mimed meals per day, everything will be alright.

To take your mind off the cravings, I recommend taking in a show. Maybe go into your garden and mime watching a circus, everyone likes the circus. Maybe clowns aren’t your thing, on second thoughts, what with them being the mimes arch nemesis. Maybe check out a mimed zoo. You could even, if you were feeling brave, mime yourself in a little cage for a while. At the mimed zoo, you even have the chance to mime taking a lion for a walk. Lions are quite strong though, so you might want to mime being pulled around by the lion instead!

Hopefully you are feeling better now, and less hungry. You’ve got another 2 weeks of this diet, before we can start to measure results. If you are still struggling, please feel free to mime a motivational speaker to convince you to stick it out!

You should have been on this mime diet for a little under a month now. If you are following my tips properly, you should have eaten no real food for 4 weeks, and nourished yourself solely with mimed food.

If all went to plan, you’ll now be dead. One less mime in the world, thank god. If you have managed to live this long, and aren’t suffering from any major health problems, you’re doing it wrong. Please go back to the beginning and try again.

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by Mick | Posted in Misc | No Comments » | Tags: , ,
January 17th, 2010

Neon-Nazis & Fascist Bastards

Last night I went to a gig. Not your normal gig, properly organised etc, no; this one was in the basement of a bookshop that sells (I think) anti-fascist literature for people without a job and a need to blame it on someone – and people who generally have opinions that, far from being radical and revolutionary – are just a bit wrong. For a sub-section of society that claim to battle back against segregation and wrong-doing, they sure are a secretive bunch. Me being me, with my ‘job’ and ‘education’, I sadly stuck out like a sore thumb. Most other people in the room embraced it half-arsedly and shouted yelps of solidarity at the appropriate moments.

The organisers were keen to point out that the place didn’t have an alcohol license (so it was a bring-your-own-booze kind of affair), nor an entertainment license, making the whole thing a little bit shifty. Which is fine, except one band (whom I’ll be focussing my rage on in a second) decided that these little warnings, asking people not to loiter outside in fear of attracting police attention, meant that there were Nazi’s outside, all waiting to get us. Nazis everywhere. Couldn’t move for all the Nazis.

This band were called The Wasters, a small collection of kids with more opinions than braincells. I get that punk music is usually politically-fuelled and there’s nothing wrong with that until you start to talk absolute shit. “We don’t want a job” they sang (I’m paraphrasing but that was the message), which is just laziness disguised as revolutionary. They probably wouldn’t get a job anyway – you need qualifications for that, not just hollowed-out opinions that you read on a pamphlet taped to the wall in a communist bookshop. (One particularly good poster, last time we were there, announced a meeting of ‘Angry Liverpool Feminists’ – the invite asked you to bring a cake). Their ethos seemed to be “I don’t want to better myself, because that’s what THEY expect me to do. So I’ll just stay at home borrowing £20 off my dad for hair dye”. Every other word was ‘Fucking’, because swearing helps you to sound like you’re really serious about what you have to say. So many good political arguments have been based on the “Yeah…fucking…them bastards innit…ruining…fucking…everything like. Government” method.

In-between songs they insisted on screaming about how “We’re not violent, that’s not what we’re about” then launching straight into songs like ‘Drunken Riots’, unsurprisingly about being drunk and in a riot. This wasn’t even the biggest ‘What The Fuck?’ moment of the night though. That goes to the speech about how cosmetic make-up is evil, and anyone who wears it was a fucking idiot. Not only was most of the female population in the room wearing some form of make-up, the little scrotum who shouted about it had a dyed-blonde mohican. So make-up is Nazi/Fascist scumshite but ‘Brightest Blonde’ by L’Oreal and a tub of Fructis gel is fine? He might want to shove that little brain-fart back in for another few hours – it isn’t quite ready for public consumption yet. They bemoaned the corporate society, but neglected to mention the event was advertised by a Facebook group, and the alcohol being consumed was largely supplied by the Tesco over the road.

The Wasters were also very concerned about the presence of ‘Neo-Nazis upstairs’, though what they meant by that, no one was exactly sure – it still got a big crowd cheer from the drunken mass though. Were the Nazis upstairs? All sat around drinking Nazi-tea? Did they have their own gig going on, with some Rammstein cover band bitching about the ‘Faggy Hippies’ downstairs?

My best guess is ‘Nazis’ was a catch-all term for ‘anyone else who doesn’t agree with me’. So I’m a Nazi. Great. Thanks. You thick cunts.

And their music was shit. They were followed by a band called Chief who were far better but didn’t say anything particularly stupid, so I won’t bother writing much about them.

There was also a mid-band announcement by one of the organisers, asking people to donate money on their way out to the Liverpool Anti-Fascist organisation. I wonder what this organisation would think of all the Tesco bags that littered the floor? I’d have happily given £10 to the cause if I could find 5 people in the room who could give me an accurate summary of ‘Fascist’ and what it actually meant.

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January 14th, 2010

Holy Almost-Finished Story, Batman

Oh crap.

I started writing a story around six months ago. A completely fresh one, that started out as just something to pass a few hours of boredom, that went and grew into a great big yarn that I was actually enjoying writing.

And I’ve almost finished it already. Yep, the end is in sight. I know what I need to write and it won’t be long before I’m sat with a complete, fleshed out and readable story in front of me. I sat for two hours today and meticulously planned out the ending. There’s a helicopter and an explosion. You can’t have an ending without those critical elements.

Okay, It’s going to take longer than a week or so to write up, then I need to either learn to draw or find someone else who’ll do it, but I’m nearly there. Nearly.

I’m only posting this up here because I’m excited about it and want to document this feeling. I’ve never finished anything before. Not even close. I’ve got 100+ pages of an epic zombie story sat in my drafts folder that I’ll probably never finish, aswell as 70% of a story that I realised was far to depressing to carry on with. They’re not unfinished because I don’t think they’re good, I just don’t know if anyone else would think they’re good. My newest one is about a Superhero, which is something everyone loves. So it’s target audience is everyone, as opposed to a reduced-number of zombie-nerds with an affinity for classic movie cliches and references. If you’re part of everyone (as everyone is) then it’s aimed at you. Unless you’re a cunt. I’m not writing for cunts. It’s a stupid, quirky, weird yarn about the trials and tribulations of a not-especially-interested Superhero. He only has one nemesis that he knows of, and his only goal in life is to rescue The Girl. He’s set in his ways, and relies on familiarity to get by. The story takes a turn for the worse when someone starts to fuck with the dynamic. And yadda yadda yadda.

It’s never going to find a publisher and I’m not kidding myself into thinking it ever will, but I’ll post it up here when it’s done (probably in installments) and I hope people will read it. I’m also going to print it through Café Press if I can get my head around how that works, just so I can have a copy all nicely printed up for myself. I’ll send it off to some smaller publishers, though, in the hope one of them goes “Meh, s’not awful” and goes with it.

I really want nothing more than my name on the spine of a book I wrote; published and printed for the public to buy if they so wished. That would make me very, very happy.

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by Chris | Posted in Life | No Comments » | Tags: , ,





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