Hello and welcome to my weekly eSeminar, entitled:
‘Self-Help For The Weird And Depressed’
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Each week we will look at a different specific scenario that may be affecting your happiness, your wealth, your lovelife or your self-confidence. From there, I will administer my own particular brand of medication. With words. And no drugs.
Taken once weekly, this ‘medication’ will surely improve your life, and the lives of those you interact with on a daily basis.
Here’s a little bit about my personal manifesto, designed to help YOU.
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Are you sick and tired of life and all that it throws at you? Do you long for some simple, easy to follow, light-hearted advice that can really (maybe) make a difference to your dull shitty life?
Well, look no further!
This is a guide to every conceivable instance in which you may need to pick yourself back up again, mentally or physically. It’ll eventually be chock-full of handy hints, tips and tricks to get you on your way to happiness.
However, life (especially your life) can’t be controlled or classified as easy as that, and that’s why some chapters will be more general where others are more specific.
Having collected the best psychological minds in Britain and asked them the top five problems most people face in their day-to-day lives, I then lost the transcripts from the interviews and have since compiled this guide mainly from memory, to get you through your regular, everyday stressful situations with a simple efficiency even the Germans would be proud of.
So let’s get started…
We all feel down in the dumps once in a while. Sometimes this can be rectified by something simple; meeting a loved one for lunch, having a few drinks with a friend, going super-size to treat yourself or even just buying an ice cream. But what if you’re too overweight to risk an ice cream? Just because you’re feeling low, it doesn’t mean you can go around trying to give yourself a fat-induced heart attack now does it? And what if you don’t have any friends or loved ones? What if you’re a cunt? What then?
Maybe the reason you’re down is because your best friend/loved one/ice cream has let you down? Who DO you turn to then? There are a lot of questions there, and more will follow, but seriously, what would you do in these not-so-exceptional circumstances?
You would turn to this guide.
Whether you use it merely as something to read to pass the time, or you’re desperately looking for tips on how to get out of your slump and how to cheer yourself up, or even how to get revenge on that fucker down the road with a nicer car than you – this guide will have something for everyone.
Hell, lots of things here might not even be designed to cheer you up, but rather designed to make someone else unhappy, because a level playing field is easier to deal with. People were created equal (except spastics), so why shouldn’t misery be doled out equally? (Again, except spastics. Give those guys a bit of slack).
Over the coming weeks, we will hopefully build up a wide-range of helpful columns, but if you think we’ve missed something, let me know. Sugestions are very welcome, especially if they’re good ones that we can steal and pass off as our own.
For now though, I will have to bid thee farewell. Until next week…
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