Let’s say, for instance, your self confidence is real low. You feel awful. You’ve not been doing so well at school/work/jobclub and you think nobody respects you. Well, they probably don’t. People can be cunts, but don’t let that worry you. Your main concern right now is being a cunt yourself. Are you a pushover? Thought so. Do you LIKE being a push over? Thought not. So what to do?
Well, next time that guy in school/work/jobclub gives you shit, give it back. Stand on his toes, literally. Squeeze his tits. Really get back in his face, let him know who’s the boss. YOU’RE THE BOSS. Who’s the boss? YOU ARE. Got that? You’re the boss? Good. Write that down. It’s very important to lie to yourself.
Now, my very own little bossy boss, go and tell ‘that guy’ what you think of him. Do it. What are you waiting for? Are you some kind of pussy? No wonder no one has any respect for you, you’re a wuss! So do it, and remember, you’re your own boss! Now do it. Pussy.
You rock.
Other small, handy hints for crawling out of that lull and scraping back your self-esteem are thus:
- Buy a small animal, such as a puppy or kitten, or even a hamster. Be sure to choose something that relies on you for shelter, food and even love. Then name it something like ‘Foolish Mortal’, or ‘Cretin’. That way, any time you feel your confidence is low, your faithful furry creature will come running for its life-giving needs. At this time, you can ignore it, be nasty, and finally admonish it with a loud “NO! FOOLISH MORTAL! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST BEG AND I WILL COME THROUGH FOR YOU? I AM MORE THAN THAT. I AM YOUR MASTER….YOUR KING! I DEMEND RESPECT! FETCH ME THINE STICK!”
Be sure to eventually feed the animal though, or you will waste valuable resources on buying replacements. That money can be spent on smile-inducing alcohol.
- Facial reconstructive surgery. You’re probably ugly, but imagine if you had the perfect nose? Plastic surgeons are making leaps and bounds of progress these days – almost every day, someone out there is getting prettier than you by CHEATING. So why not join them? Sure, if everyone went down this route, we’d all end up looking the same, but the fake mask would still hide the terrible human being underneath.
- Rather than a mirror, put a life-size portrait picture of your favourite same-sex celebrity up in a frame. That way, when you check your ‘reflection’, you’ll always look great. Not a hair out of place and your skin will be photoshopped to perfection.
- Visit a fast food chain. Obviously, don’t eat the food – it’s terrible for you – but atleast spend a few minutes scoffing at the unfortunate spotty students stuck behind the tills. For extra confidence-boosts, keep an eye out for the guy who is 30+ and still working there. He might be working a tie and a badge that says ‘Manager’, but don’t let that fool you. He’s the lowest of the low. Mock him – chide his silly tie. (Unless you are one of these guys…well, we might cover ‘So You Work In Fast Food…’ in a later edition. Until then, try not to kill yourself).
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