Much is being made of the way we as a race burn up our finite resources of fuels – oil, coal, Red Bull etc. The world as a whole is being urged to ‘go green’ by mostly-boring political types or deluded celebrities who think they can change the world because they had a starring role in a film or something.
Now, in principal, this is obviously a good idea. ‘Going green’ helps out the planet we live on, probably, and is atleast a bit more interesting than digging big holes in it to mine for stuff we’re just going to waste anyway. The problem is that current renewable energy sources are boring.
Those big, white Windmill things they’re sticking everywhere to harness wind-power look good, but they’re a bit cumbersome and probably take a few years to break-even on the amount of energy wasted to put them up in the first place. (This is said with absolutely no research, so please don’t bother correcting me; save your energy).
Solar panels are fine too, but are expensive and again just a bit of a pain in the arse.
What we need is an easily renewable source that is readily available to be harnessed. Something like, say, human emotions.
Schools and colleges could be powered by the youthful energy of their students, and top it up with the unbridled narcesscism and hatred emanating from the older teachers. Strap a modern-equivalent of a Dynamo to a kid with ADHD and load him with sugar, and use the resultant energy output to run the projectors in the science labs. You know, the ones that throw up huge, detailed diagrams of genitalia and sperm. If there was a way to then capture the stifled laughter of the class and the badly-hidden embarassment of the teacher as she loads up Penis slide (not a euphemism (or a garden toy)) then it could power the lights in the gym for that afternoons PE class, where the kinetic energy of the fat kid’s bouncing flabrolls as he runs about giving himself a hernia and hating every moment of it could be stored and used for something else.
Hospitals could run on the raw fear, pain anxiety that comes naturally to patients. The A&E department would be sorted for renewable energy if it could make use of the adrenaline of the staff and the anger of the drunken fuck-heads who came in at 3am demanding to be seen by a doctor because they’ve punched a lamp-post and shattered their wrist. Or the useless attention-seeking student drones who cracked their head on the kerb trying to do a blatently random cartwheel to impress their vapid little friends. If sources begin to run low on the wards, simply telling a select few of the less stable, resiliant patients that they’ve only got a week to live should generate a decent amount. Not to mention what could be harnessed from the anger/relief they feel when you tell them you were only joking.
Prisons could be powered by the cocktail of rage, remorse and general wrong-headedness that flows from the inmates. Fred West could have powered a whole wing with his stubborn refusal to reveal where those last bodies were buried. The chronic masturbation of violent child molesters upon showing them glimpses of the old BBC test-card might be enough to support Ian Huntley’s alledged luxury flat. Even simpler, install hamster wheels in every cell and force even the fattest inmates to do an hour a day. Kinetic energy is probably easier to create than Emotional when it comes down to it (what with it being an actual ‘thing’, and not something I’ve made up).
The only thing I can’t think of a way to power by human emotion only would be something like a Coldplay concert. I can’t imagine the feelings of 1000′s of bored, apathetic ’fans’ would result in much more than a AAA battery. Although Chris Martin’s ego might help. Infact, on a similar note, the world-wide hatred of Bono could solve all of our problems if we pooled it.
The pointless bickering and bile spat at Youtube’s comments section on even the most inane video could be useful too. If we could somehow gather the collective stupidity from Facebook groups, we’d be set for the next million years. Your fridge could be powered by bad grammar.
If only this wasn’t totally hypothetical and written just to pass some time, involving absolutely impossible concepts, I could really be on to something here. Damn.
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