1. The beloved Welsh Dragon which proudly adorns the Welsh flag and millions of pieces of merchandise in tourist shops across the country is actually a myth. The image used is simply a picture of a duck viewed through a broken kaleidoscope, then expertly painted by a hated Englishman. However, all true Welsh people will fervently deny this, as it is said that Wales will sink if any inhabitant of the small but wily country should acknowledge this fact.

2. Much like Australia as we know it today was built on a foundation of exiled British convicts, shipped there by way of punishment, Wales has a similar history. In the early 16th century, Iceland shipped many of it’s unruly, unwanted criminals to the Welsh shores in small rickety boats made of straw and spit, in the hopes of ridding them forever. However, these Icelandic invaders found the local weather and scenery very favourable, and set about massacring the indigenous population for food and pelt. This is why the Welsh people, to this very day, harbour a secret resentment to Iceland, even going so far as to boycott the frozen-food stores of the same name.

3. Incidentally, the indigenous people of Wales originally resembled small humanoid tree stumps covered in meat and fur.

4. Tom Jones is the only surviving ancestor of this species, but has had his DNA diluted at some point down the line by a frisky Icelander. Hence the odd, inhuman look in his eyes.

5. Wales celebrates a day similar to America’s ‘Thanksgiving Day’. Named ‘Fuck England Day’, it is a day where the Welsh people unite to eat speciality dish ‘Welsh Rarebit’ and dance their native dances in the moonlight. It occurs once every three years, on or around the 17th of May, and has done since the late 1940’s.

6. Each hill in the Welsh countryside actually has it’s own name, known only to the hills surrounding it. The most popular hill is Dave, who lives a few miles in-land from Llandudno, and throws the best hill-parties.

7. Sheep are valid currency in Wales, but only if they have three legs and resemble Morgan Freeman.

8. There are only 45 3-legged Morgan Freeman sheep in Wales. One man owns 38 of these, and is a very rich man indeed.

9. Welsh men, when no one is looking at them, are in a constant state of happy jigging. It is only when someone sets eyes on them that they stop and get on with some other task. If you’re quiet, you can sneak up on them and view this ancient debacle. Though be warned: If they catch you peeking without their knowledge, they can legally claim your eyes as punishment for being a ’sneaky one’.

10. The chief export of Wales is the cheese and pickle sandwich.

11. The chief import of Wales is also the cheese and pickle sandwich. The first and only man to point this out was exiled from the country, and now wanders around Yorkshire trying his best to avoid using logic in any situation.

12. The second highest export of Wales are people who look quite a lot like Ryan Giggs. Very few return.

13. Welsh children are only taught to count up to the number 12, until they are 15 years of age. This is to avoid intelligent kids ‘getting above their station’. Between the ages of 12 and 15, they enjoy a single ‘12 and a bit’ birthday party, and a big deal is made of their 15 birthday where they are presented with a colourful book on the numbers 13 to 100.

14. Anyone who is suspected of not being fully Welsh by the Welsh community can get around this by drawing pictures of themselves enjoying the Welsh countryside. Being fully Welsh brings with it a number of perks, apparently. No-one in Wales would tell me what any of these were, despite my numerous scrawlings. I was told my drawn self did not look happy enough, even after I added a huge smile and a stick of Llandudno rock.

15. The Welsh language, seen on most signposts above the ‘English’ translation actually means nothing. The true Welsh language is known only be the 12 Welsh Elders, living in the belly of the Great Orme. Welsh people put the nonsense on the signs to confuse travellers and also to make themselves feel part of one big exclusive Welsh Club.

16. Piracy is encouraged in Wales, but only because no one knows exactly what it means.

17. All places in Wales beginning with double-L we’re actually named by LL Cool J during a publicity tour in 1993. The stunt backfired however, when the Welsh populace adopted the new names without a second thought, despite LL’s shouts of ‘Ladies Love Andudno!’.

18. Welsh people are not allowed to know about iPods.

19. If the whole of Wales was chopped up into small pieces and laid out in a line, nobody would notice.

20. Tigers are indigenous to Wales and there are thousands roaming the countryside. They are just very good at hiding but have been known to maul any visiting Icelanders on holiday.

21. Sheep are the most prolific murderers in Wales and are thusly banned from buying knives in supermarkets.

22. They also have the highest Sheep Suicide rate in the world, attributed to the fact that Wales is a bit rubbish and Sheep have nothing better to do with their pointless little lives.

23. The Welsh national anthem is actually a cover of Gina G’s Eurovision hit from 1996, played by a deaf man with a tuba in a box.

24. A ‘day’ in Wales has 3 extra hours in, but their clocks move slightly faster. All in all, they gain about a second each month. This is known as ‘The Welsh Second’, and they’re very protective over each one.

25. Wales was the first nation to put a man on the moon, but no-one could never figure out how he got there and he died shortly after.

26. Noone was hurt in the Great Battle Of Wales in 1972. Poor Noone.

27. In Medieval times, the King of Wales was decided each day by whoever could shout the loudest. This tradition was abolished with the advent of the loudspeaker, as it began to disturb the sheep.

28. Wales is the only country that observes ‘Hammertime’ as a valid time of the day.

29. Wales was a predominantly catholic country until 2003, when a member of the welsh parliament managed to film his dog doing a back flip. That dog is now head of it’s own church and is worshipped every Sunday for about fifteen minutes.

30. Ireland was once a part of Wales, until a massive argument broke out and Ireland voted to move slightly to the left, distancing themselves. The Republic of Ireland (previously the Republic of Wales) wasn’t paying attention at the time, and was dragged along for the ride.

31. If the ‘Lord Of The Rings’ trilogy was filmed in Wales, it would be called ‘Lord Of The Rings’. The location wasn’t really important.

32. In Wales, words containing only one syllable are frowned upon.

33. It is illegal to taunt others with a facial expression alone. Atleast one full sentence is required, to limit the time needed to interpret the taunt. Far-away mocking can be done via sign language or by writing an offensive slogan on a blimp. In extreme circumstances, it is acceptable to write the remarks on a well-trained dog, but the taunt only stands if the dog manages to catch the intended tauntee.

34. ‘Annoying A Hare’ is a favourite sport of the Welsh people.

35. The Welsh Olympics features such events as ‘Lying Down’, ‘Counting Mountains’ and the ‘The Long Jump’.

36. If you own a business in Wales, please bear in mind that it is perfectly legal to advertise on other peoples faces.

37. There are no boats in Wales. Only small, upturned, wooden tents.

38. Wales prides itself on it’s ability to look exactly like Scotland, whilst also managing to be nearer the Equator. It always tries to sneak a bit further south when Scotland isn’t looking.

39. At Christmas time, Welsh people play a game called ‘Flick the Pea’ to win little prizes, rather than pull crackers. The prize, moreoften then not, is a pea.

40. Wales is actually named after the large sea-dwelling mammals, ‘Whales’. This came about when the largest ever Blue Whale on record washed up on the north-western shores. The tribe of Welsh who lived there at the time were terrified and ran away, but other tribes soon descended and picked the tasty carcass clean. The remaining bones and waste was left to stagnate, eventually allowing land to form around it, becoming ‘Anglesey’.

41. Wales produces it’s own national softdrink, and ships it all around the globe. Nobody cares.

42. Meat is a staple of any Welsh meal. As are staples.

43. Only one dinosaur fossil has ever been recovered from the country of Wales. It was a miniature T-Rex, and it was found stuck to the underside of a cable car in Snowdon.

44. It is legal to punch a Koala bear in Wales, but only if it’s holding a sign that directly insults a member of your family.

45. Welsh lawmakers have no concept of money, and often issue fines with Wine Gums or Jelly Babies as the denomination.

46. Alcohol has the opposite effect within the borders of Wales, causing the drinker to become increasingly sober until they’re seriously evaluating their life.

47. Since the profilic teen-suicides of the mid-00’s, it is illegal to buy rope for an impressionable youngster unless you have a note from them saying they’re feeling okay and promise to use the rope for securing property, rather then throttling themselves. Sadly, it has become easy for people to obtain such notes on the Welsh Black Market.

48. The Welsh Black Market is quite well organised, and sells everything from handguns to budgies named Pete.

49. Wales was lost once. No one knows where it went, but it was seen sneaking back in and latching drunkenly on to England again.Worries that it had fallen in with the wrong crowd were allayed when it stopped returning Belguim’s calls.

50. Every cow in the world has visited Wales atleast once. It is seen as a right of passage. They go there at a young age to learn how to Moo.

51. Wales is actually twice as big as it looks on maps. The other half is just shy. If you stare really hard at a map for an hour, you still can’t see the other half. It really is very, very shy.

52. Nobody knows exactly what happened to the flesh-eating trolls that used to inhabit the Welsh countryside, feasting on sheep. None have been seen since the myterious appearace of a Sheep named ‘Rambo’, who carries a look on it’s bloodstained face like it has known atrocities that you could only imagine. However, it is now considered perfectly safe for Sheep to move back to the land.

53. There are only about 52 interesting lies that can be made up about Wales. 53 is kind of pushing it. 54 would be ridiculous.

54. All Welsh obituaries published in newspapers must be in Haiku form. This is to prevent the deceased persons loved-ones from ‘going on a bit’.

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