They're Only Bees
January 28th, 2010

The Airhorn Principle

I, Chris, have developed a new theory.

There are a few things I believe every human being should own, ‘just in case’. On the off-chance they might come in useful one day. They’re not important objects, but they’re things that might improve your life immensely, even if it’s only for an hour or two.

Pointless things, at first glance. Things that only really come into their own in very niche circumstances.

I’m calling this theory ‘The Airhorn Principle’, and it applies to a great many things.

 
The Airhorn

Let’s start with it’s name-sake, the airhorn. The only possible reason to own one of these is attract attention to something. More often than not, that ’something’ will be the person you’re about to absolutely terrify with a blast from the airhorn. It’s otherwise completely useless, and it may sit and gather dust for months on end. Until the time comes.

It might be a sleeping housemate, or an unsuspecting shopper browsing the bread aisle in Asda. It might be a lonely man, slowly raising his pint to his lips at the end of a long, hard day. (Note: ‘honking’ the last one might get you beaten up, so beware). From this perspective, the Airhorn’s possibilities are endless.

Regardless of the target, an airhorn will improve that hour of your life. It’s never not funny. Whether the man simply turns around and calls you a cunt, or drops to the floor, writhing in the midst of a cardiac arrest, you’ll still laugh. Even a total non-reaction from the target is funny.

 
Megaphone

This is almost the same as the airhorn, but with one important difference: The loud, blaring noise can be almost anything you want it to be. As a comedy prop, it’s invaluable. Even the unfunniest line from the shittiest comedy would be funnier if the speaker suddenly screamed it through a megaphone. It’s practically science.

The Megaphone is just one of those things that’d be handy to have. They even come in small, portable sizes that you can clip for your belt, for on-the-go screaming. At a BBQ? Is the garden a bit crowded, blocking your path to yet another hot dog? “HOT DOG PLEASE!” you can shout to the cook. He’ll hear you. You’ll get your fucking hot dog. Crowded bar, struggling to be served ahead of the kind of bell-end who relishes ’shoving in’? Megaphone. Easy.

So come on, reclaim the megaphone from those crazy street-preachers.

 
Chainsaw

Just the act of buying a Chainsaw will give any man a warm feeling in their rock-hard erection. Almost anything from a DIY shop will, actually. It’s just such a manly thing to do.

It doesn’t even matter what you use it for.

“This tree needs to come down. I’ll get my Chainsaw.”

“There’s a bit of thread hanging off your sleeve. Hang on, I’ll fetch my Chainsaw.”

“Why won’t this printer/scanner work?! I’ll fetch my Chainsaw.”

Also, it’ll turn out to be incredibly handy come the dawn of the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Don’t be caught short – get yourself a chainsaw.

 

There are more, but you get the idea. Paintball gun, BB gun, Spraypaint, a dog with the face of Roy Orbison. It’s all good.

 

 

 

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January 27th, 2010

You can’t spell unlimited without limit

This might initially sound like a rant about something that just happened, but bare with me, it’s not. It hasn’t exactly happened to me, but that doesn’t mean companies should be allowed to do it.

Why are companies allowed to offer “unlimited” services. I’ve only ever reached the limit on one of these once, but the idea of having a limit to reach is down right ridiculous. Most of these unlimited packages offered by large companies have strict limits. They call them fair usage policies and say it’s to stop you interfering with another customers service. The only fair amount of usage in an Unlimited usage package would be as much as I want and without limit.

unlimited (comparative more unlimited, superlative most unlimited)
1. limitless or without bounds; unrestricted

If your system can’t handle offering something as unlimited, then how the hell can you advertise it? Surely it’s flat out lying. If I sold someone 10 fancy new baseball caps, and when they came to collect them I said they could only have 1 of them as I intended on selling the other 9 to other people, I couldn’t get away with that for long.

A while ago I needed a new internet connection, so I phone good old BT and request to be put on the Unlimited download package. I don’t really care about speed, even 2mb/s would be fine for me, if I could leave it downloading whenever I wanted. The lady on the phone was happy to offer me Option 3, the most expensive package, called the Unlimited package. This is one step up from the Heavy Usage package, and I would even consider “heavy usage” to be more than I need. So I sign up, taking the unlimited package, so I can “Downloading as much as you want, when you want”.

No more than 3 months later, I find out that I can’t download anything anymore. Websites won’t load, and a speed test informs me that I’ve got a connection of around 100kb/s. That’s a fifth of the speed of the first broadband connection I ever had, 5 or so years ago.
This is quite odd, but I leave it a few days thinking it might just be a problem on their end. Eventually, after getting fed up with this terrible service, I decide to give them a ring. Spending maybe an hour on the phone, talking to tech support, restarting my computer 3 or 4 times, using my laptop instead of my desktop, plugging directly into the router, and everything else I’d already tried before phoning them, they tell me I’ve been limited due to downloading too much.

There must have been a mistake, I’m definitely paying the price for the Unlimited package, but maybe they didn’t set it up properly, so I ask to be put through to someone I can talk to about it. This must happen quite a lot, as I get put through to an angry sounding woman who starts shouting at me for downloading too much at the wrong times of the day. After a lengthy chat about what unlimited means and how having a limit is not unlimited, she tells me that I’m not only limited for the rest of the month in which I surpassed this limit, but the entire month following, as well. She then says there’s nothing that can be done and to go away.

Long story short, the Unlimited package from BT will limit your download speed if you download more than their imposed limit. I wonder if they cut off your phone for talking too loud as well.

My second experience with this is a recent email I received from Orange. I won’t go into detail about the hassle it took to finally receive a useful reply from them. To sum it up, after emailing the sales department I received a reply saying “Unfortunately this department does not hold information on Orange products or services”, again, that was the sales department I sent the email to.

Anyway, I got a more reasonable reply after pointing this out, in which I was offered Unlimited texts on a Dolphin package. Awesome I thought, unlimited texts, just what I required. Until, the very next sentence, which was as follows; “You should be aware that there is a fair usage policy on unlimited text messages, this will allow you 3000 text messages per month”.

So this is Orange telling me that I can get unlimited text messages, and that somehow means a limit of 3000.

There’s two companies who offer an unlimited service, and have a very fixed idea of what the limit is. Does the problem lie with me? Am I expecting too much from the word unlimited?

I would be fine if they said that it’s unlimited, did not have a fixed number for the limit, and only had a problem if I was abusing the system in an abnormal way. Maybe if I had automated text sending and was sending a text every half second during the peak hours, or something. Even then, sure, they’re applying a limit, but a very reasonable one.

To be able to hit the limit of “unlimited”, with a fairly normal usage of the system, suggests they are not in any place to offer an unlimited service, and as such should not be able to advertise an unlimited service. If your service is degraded for people around me due to my usage, then you need to upgrade the service you offer the other people, not downgrade the service you offer me to cover it.

How the hell do they get away with it. Where is the loophole in the advertising laws that say you’re allowed to do this? More importantly, why do these loopholes still exist?

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by Mick | Posted in Misc | 2 Comments » | Tags: , , ,
January 27th, 2010

Will Using Twitter Make Me An Internationally Famous Star?

No.

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by Chris | Posted in Life | No Comments » | Tags: ,
January 22nd, 2010

Get Some, Go Again (The night I met Henry Rollins)!

Whenever I decide to raid my Musical memory bank, I often uncover the same select slew of Artists that can be held accountable for the fiery fascination I have always enjoyed with the expressive art of Music. As an Acne-addled teen I found solace in Music much the same way as any misunderstood youth striving to find a place where they can belong. Music has always been a most attractive magnet for the supposed ‘loners’ who skulk around aimlessly, sporting slogan tee’s and quoting their Alternative idols with a religious rigour. I can clearly recollect hearing ‘Beetlebum’ for the very first time, the initial cut from Blur’s revigorating eponymous effort, a release that enticed me to plunge headfirst into my first real relationship with my first real ‘favourite band’. The sonic, lo-fi effects that can be heard eeking out of that record would lead me to discover other ‘Indie’ bands, most notably those groups that were littering  American college rock radio ie Nada Surf, a trio who’s output would push me into a dizzying Musical journey that would inevitably culminate in my final resting place being my beloved ‘Grunge’ era. Needless to say, I, just like those aforementioned outcasts, fell in lust with the characters that populate the Alternative Music scene. Whether your poison of choice be the dark, almost demonic figure that Trent Reznor has cut for the past twenty years or the flamboyant fancies of Flaming Lip Wayne Coyne, the Alternative Music scene, specifically that of the nineties, was never short on the weird and the wonderful.

Whilst the Alternative Rock phase has had many a tag tossed towards it one undeniable fact remains seldom spoken, the principle members of this ’scene’ remain active to this day. Whether it be through the numerous reunions that have infected the current, in my opinion otherwise lacklustre, Musical landscape, or through forming other acts/cutting solo deals, those jeffe’s of Generation X just WILL NOT DIE!!!!

I put this durability down to one simple factor: TALENT! Those key figures of the last great Musical revolution were just a lot more talented than today’s heavily mascara’d mob. One name that sums up this six letter word better than almost anybody else is HENRY ROLLINS!

Actor, Author, Activist, Publisher, Recording Artist and general all-round good egg,  Hank Rollins is quite possibly the last great renaissance man. To continue with my theme of nostalgia, my favourite memories of Mister Rollins can be summed up by the exuberance exhibited by my Brother and I over a decade ago viewing a somewhat dated spoken word performance on a battered VHS tape that had seemingly been passed around our entire family tree. What we discovered on that historic Spring afternoon was a mere introduction to the true extent of this man’s numerous talents. As was always the case back in those days, my elder sibling boasting more mileage on his Musical clock could testify to being a faithful disciple for several years, however we were both sat in a stunned silence at this spectacle that our innocent eyes were privy too.

For the proceeding ten years we have followed Henry’s somewhat experimental endeavours with a keen interest. From his turn as a White Supremacist in a weekly American drama series to his tireless efforts of raising political awareness throughout the entire World, Rollins continues to shock and surprise with his versatility which is exactly what a roomful of devout converts experienced two days ago when the relentless Rollins touring  schedule rolled into Liverpool.

Infamously intense, heavily inked  and exuding an unparalleled punk pedigree you could be forgiven for reading this gargantuan gladiator wrong. Having fronted seminal Punk pioneers ‘Black Flag’ and his very own ‘The Rollins Band’, Hank’s recorded output is a brutal sprint through the mind of a very angry, extremely disillusioned young man. What Liverpool bore witness to however was a two and half hour insight into a man who has packed several lifetimes worth of adventure into his forty eight years on Earth. Henry Rollins employs the most enquiring mind I believe I have ever come across. Regaling his besotted brethren with tales of adventures  as diverse as sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with William Shatner to partaking in a trek to the Indian city of Bhopal to pay his respects at the 25th Anniversary of the worst industrial disaster in history. Despite his imposing frame Rollins is actually a fiercely intelligent individual who has crafted his universal knowledge not in a classroom but from scaling the very ends of the planet, viewing downtime as his mortal enemy and choosing instead to venture on leaving no stone unturned as he continues to plough into any new experience that will quantify his quest for adventure. If nothing else you have to respect anyone who can continually crow on for well over two hours without even a refreshing glass of water at hand to recharge.

They say you should never meet your heroes, my rebuttal to such a claim would be to get better heroes for if you can spend an evening in the company of a lauded icon who can engage you for such an amount of time as I did then you are obviously worshipping at the alter of the inferior.

The chills I experienced that night teleported me back to that pimply, pre-pubescent little boy that felt like he was discovering something special all over again.

This is how Music, or Art in general for that matter, should consistantly make you feel, sadly it’s an all too rare occurrence but those few impassioned souls can still envoke this most desired reaction and make you realise why you got into all this in the first place.

Thank you for reading this – Marty!

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January 21st, 2010

The Mime Diet

The Mime Diet

A diet plan by Michael Prince. This diet was formulated specially for mimes, and as such should not be approached by anyone without specialist training. There are health risks to this diet, but I believe them to be easy to handle and completely worth the end result. If you suffer any adverse affects, please mime the actions of seeing a doctor.

The first step to this diet, is to stop eating the fatty, horrible, tangible foods you already eat now. The best way to do this, is to completely stop eating food from this point. You have to make a large commitment to this diet for it to work effectively.
Once you get your head around the idea of not eating any other food, no matter how your cravings feel to begin with, and stick to this diet, you are ready to begin. By continuing to read on, you agree to follow this diet completely for it’s full course, and that you are a qualified mime.

Now that you’ve decided to commit, lets reward ourselves. Can you imagine the biggest juiciest greasy burger you’ve ever seen. Covered in melted cheese and grilled onions. Surrounded, on the plate, by heaps of chips. This is your first meal in the diet. You’ve imagined it, now imagine it on the table infront of you. If it helps, grab yourself a plate and put that down first, then imagine the food on the plate.
Tuck in, you deserve it.

I urge you not to read ahead and spoil the diet for yourself. This will likely lead to you only following the bits you want, and not the important and possibly harder to follow parts. I assure you that things will be better all around if you follow this diet strictly, and as outlined here.

I understand that you may feel hungry during this process, but that’s to be expected. You must not, and I cannot stress this enough, resort to eating normal food again, as an easy way out. Sure, it’ll stop you feeling hungry, there’s no doubt about that. It will also stop any progress you’ve made thus far, and set you back to square one.

For your first 2 weeks on this diet, you are free to mime all the meals you would normally eat, to ease you into the routine. If you would have a bowl of Crunchy Flakes for breakfast before work, please get your bowl and spoon out as normal. Put them down in front of you, and then imagine the tastiest bowl of Crunchy Flakes you’ve ever eaten. That’s one of the major positives with this diet, you’ll never eat a sub-par meal again. Your food will all be as enjoyable as you can imagine.

By now, you probably feel very hungry, as if the mimed foods are doing nothing. This is absolutely normal, please do not feel tempted to eat normal food again. You really need to make this commitment, in order for this diet to actually work. As long as you are drinking plenty of water, and getting your three mimed meals per day, everything will be alright.

To take your mind off the cravings, I recommend taking in a show. Maybe go into your garden and mime watching a circus, everyone likes the circus. Maybe clowns aren’t your thing, on second thoughts, what with them being the mimes arch nemesis. Maybe check out a mimed zoo. You could even, if you were feeling brave, mime yourself in a little cage for a while. At the mimed zoo, you even have the chance to mime taking a lion for a walk. Lions are quite strong though, so you might want to mime being pulled around by the lion instead!

Hopefully you are feeling better now, and less hungry. You’ve got another 2 weeks of this diet, before we can start to measure results. If you are still struggling, please feel free to mime a motivational speaker to convince you to stick it out!

You should have been on this mime diet for a little under a month now. If you are following my tips properly, you should have eaten no real food for 4 weeks, and nourished yourself solely with mimed food.

If all went to plan, you’ll now be dead. One less mime in the world, thank god. If you have managed to live this long, and aren’t suffering from any major health problems, you’re doing it wrong. Please go back to the beginning and try again.

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by Mick | Posted in Misc | No Comments » | Tags: , ,
January 17th, 2010

Neon-Nazis & Fascist Bastards

Last night I went to a gig. Not your normal gig, properly organised etc, no; this one was in the basement of a bookshop that sells (I think) anti-fascist literature for people without a job and a need to blame it on someone – and people who generally have opinions that, far from being radical and revolutionary – are just a bit wrong. For a sub-section of society that claim to battle back against segregation and wrong-doing, they sure are a secretive bunch. Me being me, with my ‘job’ and ‘education’, I sadly stuck out like a sore thumb. Most other people in the room embraced it half-arsedly and shouted yelps of solidarity at the appropriate moments.

The organisers were keen to point out that the place didn’t have an alcohol license (so it was a bring-your-own-booze kind of affair), nor an entertainment license, making the whole thing a little bit shifty. Which is fine, except one band (whom I’ll be focussing my rage on in a second) decided that these little warnings, asking people not to loiter outside in fear of attracting police attention, meant that there were Nazi’s outside, all waiting to get us. Nazis everywhere. Couldn’t move for all the Nazis.

This band were called The Wasters, a small collection of kids with more opinions than braincells. I get that punk music is usually politically-fuelled and there’s nothing wrong with that until you start to talk absolute shit. “We don’t want a job” they sang (I’m paraphrasing but that was the message), which is just laziness disguised as revolutionary. They probably wouldn’t get a job anyway – you need qualifications for that, not just hollowed-out opinions that you read on a pamphlet taped to the wall in a communist bookshop. (One particularly good poster, last time we were there, announced a meeting of ‘Angry Liverpool Feminists’ – the invite asked you to bring a cake). Their ethos seemed to be “I don’t want to better myself, because that’s what THEY expect me to do. So I’ll just stay at home borrowing £20 off my dad for hair dye”. Every other word was ‘Fucking’, because swearing helps you to sound like you’re really serious about what you have to say. So many good political arguments have been based on the “Yeah…fucking…them bastards innit…ruining…fucking…everything like. Government” method.

In-between songs they insisted on screaming about how “We’re not violent, that’s not what we’re about” then launching straight into songs like ‘Drunken Riots’, unsurprisingly about being drunk and in a riot. This wasn’t even the biggest ‘What The Fuck?’ moment of the night though. That goes to the speech about how cosmetic make-up is evil, and anyone who wears it was a fucking idiot. Not only was most of the female population in the room wearing some form of make-up, the little scrotum who shouted about it had a dyed-blonde mohican. So make-up is Nazi/Fascist scumshite but ‘Brightest Blonde’ by L’Oreal and a tub of Fructis gel is fine? He might want to shove that little brain-fart back in for another few hours – it isn’t quite ready for public consumption yet. They bemoaned the corporate society, but neglected to mention the event was advertised by a Facebook group, and the alcohol being consumed was largely supplied by the Tesco over the road.

The Wasters were also very concerned about the presence of ‘Neo-Nazis upstairs’, though what they meant by that, no one was exactly sure – it still got a big crowd cheer from the drunken mass though. Were the Nazis upstairs? All sat around drinking Nazi-tea? Did they have their own gig going on, with some Rammstein cover band bitching about the ‘Faggy Hippies’ downstairs?

My best guess is ‘Nazis’ was a catch-all term for ‘anyone else who doesn’t agree with me’. So I’m a Nazi. Great. Thanks. You thick cunts.

And their music was shit. They were followed by a band called Chief who were far better but didn’t say anything particularly stupid, so I won’t bother writing much about them.

There was also a mid-band announcement by one of the organisers, asking people to donate money on their way out to the Liverpool Anti-Fascist organisation. I wonder what this organisation would think of all the Tesco bags that littered the floor? I’d have happily given £10 to the cause if I could find 5 people in the room who could give me an accurate summary of ‘Fascist’ and what it actually meant.

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January 14th, 2010

Holy Almost-Finished Story, Batman

Oh crap.

I started writing a story around six months ago. A completely fresh one, that started out as just something to pass a few hours of boredom, that went and grew into a great big yarn that I was actually enjoying writing.

And I’ve almost finished it already. Yep, the end is in sight. I know what I need to write and it won’t be long before I’m sat with a complete, fleshed out and readable story in front of me. I sat for two hours today and meticulously planned out the ending. There’s a helicopter and an explosion. You can’t have an ending without those critical elements.

Okay, It’s going to take longer than a week or so to write up, then I need to either learn to draw or find someone else who’ll do it, but I’m nearly there. Nearly.

I’m only posting this up here because I’m excited about it and want to document this feeling. I’ve never finished anything before. Not even close. I’ve got 100+ pages of an epic zombie story sat in my drafts folder that I’ll probably never finish, aswell as 70% of a story that I realised was far to depressing to carry on with. They’re not unfinished because I don’t think they’re good, I just don’t know if anyone else would think they’re good. My newest one is about a Superhero, which is something everyone loves. So it’s target audience is everyone, as opposed to a reduced-number of zombie-nerds with an affinity for classic movie cliches and references. If you’re part of everyone (as everyone is) then it’s aimed at you. Unless you’re a cunt. I’m not writing for cunts. It’s a stupid, quirky, weird yarn about the trials and tribulations of a not-especially-interested Superhero. He only has one nemesis that he knows of, and his only goal in life is to rescue The Girl. He’s set in his ways, and relies on familiarity to get by. The story takes a turn for the worse when someone starts to fuck with the dynamic. And yadda yadda yadda.

It’s never going to find a publisher and I’m not kidding myself into thinking it ever will, but I’ll post it up here when it’s done (probably in installments) and I hope people will read it. I’m also going to print it through Café Press if I can get my head around how that works, just so I can have a copy all nicely printed up for myself. I’ll send it off to some smaller publishers, though, in the hope one of them goes “Meh, s’not awful” and goes with it.

I really want nothing more than my name on the spine of a book I wrote; published and printed for the public to buy if they so wished. That would make me very, very happy.

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by Chris | Posted in Life | No Comments » | Tags: , ,
January 5th, 2010

SNOWDAY

There is a fuck-load of snow in Liverpool today, causing mass panic like a giant, softly-descending flakey monster bastard. Trains have stopped, buses are cancelled and the River Mersey has exploded in a flurry of white. Or something.

Really though; people have run screaming from the city centre, crying about schools being closed and the threat of maybe having to drive slightly slower than normal. A slightly out of the ordinary weather phenomenon has occurred (same way it does every year) and the entire populace has gone straight to the rafters to end their lives out of fear they might slip and fall on their arse.

Except me. I’m stuck in work. I have the unfortunate attribute of living in the City Centre, therefore my risk of falling over and hurting myself is reduced. Possibly because I’m already familiar with the surroundings. Luckily, they’re letting me go early (at 3pm, which is roughly 15 minutes away at the time of writing) and I cannot wait to go and frolic. Yes, frolic.

In fact, I’m only writing this to pass the time until I’m let out and I can go and build a giant phallus out of snow, as is customary. There’s enough snow to build an entire orgy though. Tonight is going to be a cold, sexy night.

Chris

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by Chris | Posted in Life | 1 Comment » | Tags: , , ,
January 4th, 2010

Allow me to introduce myself…!

Oooh testicle soup! It’s only bleedin’ January again innit? The calender equivalent to an enema has announced her chilly arrival ushering in her usual three long months of depressing despair. Christmas is over, everyone’s fat and New Year resolutions are quickly being created before just as quickly being shamefully shattered. Deary me, it’s all a tad dreary around this time of  year is it not?

Well my friends, like any good book everything has to start somewhere and a new year is no exception, as such I will be using this space to anticipate the countless exciting possibilities a spanking new year can present. A prologue if you will, a preface to twelve momentous months that will dictate an entire decade!

Alas, I digress, forgive me, firstly, an introduction. A formality any new ‘blogger’ must adhere to! My literary (r)amblings have led me to many formats the advancement of modern technology has afforded us during the last ten or so years. I have been fortunate enough to contribute Music reviews to onlybees’  sister site ‘Crowdsurfer.net’ whilst somehow also finding the time to craft an animated chronicle. Yay me! I am extremely excited to now officially commence my turn here at ‘onlybees’ and foresee forcing countless good natured souls whom I bully into friendship to view numerous egocentric entries over the next year!

So, a new year, a new site to scribe for, what a perfect link to throw out my top five hopes for 2010. Sit tight junior, hop on the snake and appear at the following five happenings in some capacity and you may  just get to skewer Franny Funbags at the senior prom .

5) Henry Rollins hits Liverpool – 20/1/09

I find having an early new year event lined up helps stave off the morose gloom a desolate January can present. Mondo praise then for bull-necked barbarian Henry Rollins stopping off at the O2 Academy and sharing his amusing anecdotes with a room full of skinny students whose turkey necks he could snap using just his mind. The legendary ex Black Flag belter will be poking fun at life’s little foibles in his usually inimitable manner. Just don’t give him any sass for referring to himself as ‘Hank’!

4) The reignition of the infamous ‘Monday Night Wars’

Yes, I realise this is my first ever post on here and yes I am WELL aware that I am about to launch into a section on wrasslin’ (a topic I wrestled with myself for over an hour before finally giving it’s inclusion the green light, snigger), look, as turgid and uninspired as many of today’s wrestling storylines often are, when an ‘angle’ is delivered right it can still knock your socks clean off. About time then that Total Nonstop Action is finally revving up it’s game and look set to mount a half decent challenge on those evil bigwigs at Titan Towers. Vinnie Mac has had the monopoly over big league wrasslin’ for nine years churning out a thousand underwhelmingly watered down rivalries for every one that is worthy of our hard earned pay per view bucks. With TNA capturing Hulk Hogan and the Dubya Dubya Eee agreeing terms with the ‘Hitman’ Bret Hart we could actually be about to witness some brawn induced brilliance again. Just don’t piss on your legacies boys, well, no more than you already have Hogan you  perma-tanned pina colada slurpin’ sissy!

3) The 2010 Comic-Con

The beautiful city of San Diego plays host to the 41st annual weekend-long wet dream for geeks and goobers the world over. Expect Cosplay, a vat of virgins and a brawl to errupt at the candy machine when Edgar cuts in line and steals Spiderman issue one from under Milton’s bespectacled nose.

You stay classy San Diego, God only knows how!

2) One Last Chance get better

For you poor uninitiated few (which translates to everyone besides Marc Griffiths’s immediate circle of friends) One Last Chance are an aspiring trio of punks that dabble in emo-inspired blasts of audio atrocity. I kid, the Welsh based post pop poppets  honed their craft remarkably during 2009 putting on at least two extremely entertaining shows that attracted an audience that stretched into double figures. For those of you who may stumble on here by accident you could do a lot worse than direct your clickers to their MySpace page at http://www.myspace.com/OLCtheband of course you could probably do a lot better aswell. In all seriousness 2010 promises big things for the OLC, as long as bass humping buffoon Griffiths can escape impending charges over indecent assaults involving a  rubber vagina…!

1)    The Marty’s go global

Yours handsomely has an annual ego trip know simply as ‘The Marty’s’ a faux awards ceremony that celebrates the highlights that have spanned that particular twelve month period.

Now in it’s third year I have plans to spread the word of my brilliance on a scale that is currently unheard of. Apart from actually hosting a REAL ceremony this time around (well a small bash in Phil’s gaff) I am working on a publishing deal which will see a DVD release accompanied by a black and white hard backed book that will collect all of my postings on this very site along with several (ahem thousand) snaps of me looking all Arty in moody poses.

I’m sure you’ll agree we are all in for one wild ride. HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone, here’s to a wonderful twelve months!

Marty!

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by Marty | Posted in Misc | No Comments » |













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