Are you tired of sagging over the sides of your cramped office chair, or the way your arm chafes against your side when you’re sat idly staring at a screen? Each mouse-move can be hell with a developing rash. Cram won’t cut it, will it? You’ve tried that. If anything, it seems to dry it out more. What will you do? What CAN you do?
You’re big. You’re happy. You’re a woman. You’re unabashedly proud of your ‘curvy femininity’. However, all you talk about is losing weight, weight loss and the process of weight reduction. Regardless of how comfortable you are in your own skin, you’re desperate to shed it and move in to a thinner, more toned outer shell. You cry, whinge and bitch whilst stuffing your face. It’s time to either shut up or do something about it.
We, at ‘The Onlybees Specialist Scientific Environment Room’, may have the perfect answer for today’s busy office worker on the slow.
We can help you lose some weight! Not through exercise, monitoring your food-intake or any other popular ‘fad’ diet the Sunday Papers might be peddling. Scientifical results? Who needs those! Eh? Eh!
Instead, it’s achieved by following a compiled a list of well-known and well-practised dieting techniques, cribbed from the health-centric and clever-minded individuals who work in offices JUST LIKE YOU DO! These little inside tips and tricks will get you well on the way to feeling like you might soon be well on the way to feeling like you’re about to start the process of beginning to drop a dress size.
Obviously you can’t stop yourself eating – you might die if you skip a Mars Bar – but if you follow these simple ideologies, you’ll see the weight drop off almost instantly. Or you should do, in theory…I mean, why else would they be so prevalent in today’s image-conscious society? The only other explanation would be that the people who practise it day-in, day-out, were just kidding themselves and talking absolute dogshit in an effort to feel better about their very-real failure to lose even a single pound. Which would be fucking ridiculous.
So, throw logic out of the window, put down your glossy magazine and START TO START LOSING WEIGHT!
1. Sharing is caring. Sharing isn’t eating.
Say, for example, you have a fairly large lunch that your brain is telling you not to eat. “You’re too fat!” it screams. “You’ve already ate enough, you’re not hungry!”. But then the chocolate bar you bought from Boots is still sat on your desk staring at you…SHARE IT! Grab a colleague who’s also following this mind-bending diet and throw half her way. The calories from the half you eat will negate themselves, evaporated by your simple kindness. This works well with anything from a Twix to a bag of hula hoops. With any luck, your chocolate-eating partner will also fall in to line and share half of HER chocolate with YOU! Everybody wins.
2. Go to weightwatchers each week but ignore the diet.
It’s important to know what your ‘base weight’ is. Or how are you going to know when you’ve lost anything? However, it is very important you don’t actually follow their diet. Their method of calorie-counting and point-watching is actually evil. It still helps, though, to go each week and give them upwards of £5 a go for them to weigh you. Don’t worry if you’ve put weight on, their scales are probably broken and you definitely remember eating that banana, so you MUST have lost weight. It does help, however, to still plough money into their organisation by buying books, motivational t shirts and pens that advertise your involvement in the scheme – each penny they collect pushes their evil tendencies further back, appeasing their evil, demonic, skinny overlords. That is clearly the only explanation.
3. Diet Coke is the Holy Grail of fat-loss.
Just chowed down on a super-sized Big Mac meal with an extra fries? Order it with a Diet coke. Not because you’re calorie counting, oh no! Diet Coke actually works like an elixir, cancelling out the calories from the greasy meal and zapping flab from unwanted areas whilst it’s at it, with it’s patented “Flabzap” formula. Drink as many cans of this as possible during a single day.
4. Coke as a replacement for Diet Coke.
If you’re following the above rule religiously, but your workplace are too inconsiderate to immediately replenish the stock of Diet Coke in your nearest vending machine after your twelfth can (God-forbid you might be forced to walk to a further one), then regular Coca-Cola will magically transform itself into Diet Coke and perform the same task. It’s a well-kept secret, used by all the models in Paris, Milan, and all of those other places you’ll soon be able when you’re below the size restrictions for most major airlines.
5. If it’s free, it doesn’t count.
Exactly what it says on the (Quality Street) tin. If you don’t have to pay for it, it doesn’t carry any calories. Sweets or biscuits brought in by kind hearted colleagues are fair game here, as are crisps etc left carelessly sat on shop shelves. Knock yourself out, skinny-minnie!
6. The ‘Diet-Lining’ manoeuvre.
Perhaps you’re sick of drinking those ‘Diet’ varieties of soft drinks…or the ‘Zero’s of this world are really bumming you out. They just don’t taste the same as regular, full-fat cans of fizz do they? Well, worry not my well-rounded padawan. A trick for you, there is. The diet-giving goodness of these so-called ‘healthier’ drinks are only located around the very edge of whatever receptacle they come in – something easily faked. You can fool the full-fat drinks into chucking out their calories whilst still retaining their throat-shredding flavour by glazing the inside of a glass with a slight basting of the diet variety, and filling it up with your favourite tipple. Through the miracle of ‘SCIENCE!’, the diet particles eat away at the fat enzymes and blah blah you’ve well stopped reading by now.
7. Walking up one set of stairs then getting the lift the rest of the way is the most optimum form of exercise.
That way, you can still say “I took the stairs!” without bare-face lying to your co-workers, and fooling your body into thinking you’ve done more exercise than you actually have. Your gut will be scared away! Bare-faced lying also works too, but not to the same extent.
8. Convenience isn’t lazy. It’s intelligent.
Imagine, if you will, that the place you often go to for lunch, the one that sells nice, crisp salads happens to be closed one day. Or, simply, it’s further away than the place that will sell you a bucket of gravy and chips for £2. In either case, it’s absolutely acceptable to substitute the modest, healthy meal for it’s bigger, stodgier brother. When you think about it, it’s all down to physics. You burn more calories off by carrying the heavy bucket back than you would carrying the tiny, light salad – even if you did smother it in mayonnaise.
9. Snacks aren’t wack.
Everyone – psh, EVERYONE – knows that food ate outside of designated meal times is barely food. Eat away, baby. Still, stick to your three main meals. They’re the most important, after all. You’d positively waste away if you skipped a lunch or two.
10. Positive reinforcement = Thin!
Picture the scene…you’re feeling low…your arm-rests are digging in and your self-image is worse than a picture of James Corden f*llating an amorous male Duck.
“I feel gross”, you say to the world at large. Your pained missive lands in the ears of your beloved, kind co-workers. “Don’t be silly!” they cry in unison, “You look fine!”.
They’d be remiss if they were ever to lie to you, and it’s not like they’d just be saying it to keep you from moaning or anything. No, contrary to what your own eyes are screaming, you look fabulous. Grab yourself a celebratory Snickers and keep on living the high life. You’ve earned it.
11. Join a gym.
Firstly, you’ll lose some weight just filling out their copious forms, dragging a pen across several pieces of A4 until your fingernails bleed, so that’s a good start. However, just because you’ve joined a gym and subsequently spent another few hundred pound on sickeningly tight fitness gear, it doesn’t mean you should attend. You might hurt yourself, there-by forcing to sit on a couch all day long where you’d only end up getting really fat. And besides, just joining a gym is equal to an entire months worth of exercise. If you continue paying the fees beyond the one month trial, award yourself one large bar of Galaxy chocolate per day.
12. Thinking about exercise = exercise.
“I might go for a run later…NOM NOM NOM”.
That’s all it takes.
13. Do not, under any circumstances, do any actual exercise.
Exercise is the devil. All of these thin people who tell you they keep in shape by eating right and a few hours of exercise per week are simply minions of hell. They should be ignored, undermined, and b*tched about behind their back as much as possible. Their opinions must be immediately debunked, or dismissed with talk of imaginary, debilitating illnesses. I.e. – “I’d like to run too, but I can’t because my right knee is actually made of pasta”*.
14. Hard crack addiction.
Seriously, it’s your last hope of dropping south of 20 stone.
*Please stop planning to eat your own knee.
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Chris <chris@onlybees.com>
