That’s right mothertouchers, I wrote a god-damned book.
It’s finished and you can buy it and everything, from here:
There are three versions currently on there. One is A4 sized, and I have had a proof-copy of it through. It’s lovely and big with giant letters and a shiny cover. But it’s £12.00, so unless you like really big books, don’t bother with this one. It only exists because I wasn’t paying attention when I was ‘making’ it on lulu.com.
The second version is the proper one. It’s A5, so fits in bags etc without crushing that weird little cuddly keyring you carry everywhere for fear of dying if you’re caught without it. You freak. I’ve not seen a version of this one, but if the bigger version is anything to go by, it’ll be pretty sexy. In fact, the ‘Edition’ of this one actually says ‘Sexy’. So it must be true.
The third version is a PDF version which panders only to fools with iPads and a raging erection for eye-strain and touchscreens. However, if you DO want this version, don’t buy it from Lulu. It’s a fiver and I only get £3 of that. I’m happy to just send you a PDF version for free, on the promise that you buy the paper version if you like it even a little bit.
Anyway, there you go. This is the crappiest method of publishing that I can think of, bar hand-writing it on rolls of toilet paper and distributing it via carrier pigeon. So it isn’t ideal, but in the giant gap left by the lack of publisher interest, this is the most viable (i.e. it cost me nothing) method of getting my words out there.
And now to try and ‘sell’ the book…
…which is hard. Not because it’s bad, but because I don’t know what genre it should be shoved into. It’s about a superhero, kinda. But not completely. he doesn’t have any decent powers to begin with because they’re stolen at the start. So is it a crime novel? Kinda. There’s a fair bit of mystery in there, too. So it’s a superhero-mystery-crime novel? Yes, but with a healthy dose of fantasy thrown in for good measure. Not ‘orcs and shit’ fantasy, but…another kind.
So it sounds like a giant clusterfuck of everything, but I think it works. Please, if you happen to read it, give me feedback here or by any other method of contacting me. My email address is chris@onlybees.com and I welcome all comments except ones that insult the size of my dick, up to and including “Your dick is way too big! Get a smaller dick, you fuckhead!”
I know, okay? Quit it.
Blurb.
I’m terrible at writing blurbs, and even the word ‘blurb’ makes me feel a little queasy. I mean, BLUUURRRRRB. It’s horrible.
The story follows a specific time in Superhero Man’s life, right after he wakes up, hungover and with no a very hazy memory of the night before, to find that all of his powers have been stolen. From there, he deals with the loss as best he can, by collapsing and vowing to never move again. But then one power is returned, left on his doorstep for him to find. It’s enough to urge him into action, and set his mind to finding out exactly what happened to him.
Which would be simple, if he had his powers. Which he doesn’t.
He soon learns that someone is playing with him, leading him on and pushing him into situations he doesn’t like. He’s lived alone all his life, largely shunned by the public, living as little of his life as possible outside of his pre-arranged Superhero duties. He’s generic, he’s boring, and he used to be able to fly.
As the story progresses, he meets people he’s met before but never had a conversation with, accidentally bullies an eel, and foolishly throws himself off the side of a moving train.
Then some other shit happens. Just read the book.
(Incidentally, despite my sweary nature, I’ve managed to reign myself in quite well. I think, in total, there are about ten swears in the whole thing and not one of them is ‘cunt’)
