They're Only Bees
February 22nd, 2010

If you found us through Google, you’re weird.

So, in an effort to write at least one thing a week, whilst also battling against severe boredom and a bit of writer’s block, I’ve decided to cannibalise the site itself in order to get some content.

The below is a list of ‘Search Terms’ that members of the ‘Internet’ put into a ‘Google’ and found this ‘site’. All 100% real, and about 90% terrifying. Most give off an aura of the unclean, or are just plain weird. I want to put the website in the shower and hose it down, knowing these people have been reading it. Although I’m sure next week we’ll have at least one more hit from someone searching for “Hose it down website” or something.

The numbers after the terms are the amount of times it’s happened.

Search Terms

tony starck 19
This one is normal enough. I don’t have a problem with it. I guess quite a lot of people put Iron Man’s name into Google, and 19 of them found our site. I think I’ve mentioned it once. All good. So far, so ordinary.

site:www.onlybees.com onlybees.com 5
Again, fine. They’ve googled for the site address rather than put it in the address bar. Not a problem. Move along.

werewolf rape 3
Yep. This is where it starts getting a little weird. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it on the site (If I have, I’m sorry) and I’m not about to search for the same thing to check it out, but this isjust the first in a line of strange search terms. Werewolf rape.

delta taxi crossword 3
There was a few similar to this one. Basically, we received a crossword through our front door from a local taxi company. Mick threw the answers online…then people searched for it. Why the fuck would you cheat on a crossword that was put through your door? That’s like searching for the solution to the puzzles hidden in Milky Bar wrappers. And being a retard.

mogan fucking
Ah. Mogan isn’t that common a name, and one of my friends is named Stephen Mogan. So, the only logical conslusion is that Stephen Mogan has a sex tape that he doesn’t want people to know about, and he’s googled it himself to make sure it’s not popped up online. However, instead of stumbling upon the video of the bearded wonder hammering out his A-Game, he’s found something I’ve written that includes, seperately, the words ‘Fucking’ and ‘Mogan’. The dirty bastard.

“have eaten no”
This was searched for, and consequently found our site through, twice. I’d like to know what these people have eaten none of.

neon nazis 2
I really hope this was someone with far-right political view, but bad spelling.

white stripes stealing chris pontius rif 1
No idea.

“hot loner” 1
Let’s just blame Mick for this one and move on.

“no consequence” “tech metal” 1
Some unfortunate soul searching the the absolutely awful band ‘No Consequence’, who I ripped to shreds for being utter shite.

self help people fucked 1
We’re getting down into the ‘fuck’ ones now. There are quite a few. I can’t quite explain any of them but I’m starting to see the problems that my excessive swearing might cause.

free fuck viz 2
Exactly the same situation as Mogan, but for Viz. Maybe the video is Mogan and Viz, getting hardcore.

advent calendar with fuck 1
If this isn’t a thing already, I’m definitely patenting it. Every day in the run up to Christmas, you flick open a window and do whatever filthy, depreaved sex act that the baby Jesus tells you to.

fuck pcworld 2
I agree.

fuck cretin bssy movie 1
?

dog fuck 1
Mick’s fault again.

marty mcgovern 1
Marty clearly has a stalker. Go Marty. Also, I hope for his sake that it wasn’t a girl he fancies. The article all about him doesn’t put him in a lovely, take-to-meet-your-mother sort of light.

werewolfrape 1
AGAIN.

fuck to the future games 1
Is there a porno version of Back To The Future? I hope there is. “Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”.

fat people jokes in “workplace” 1
My reputation preceeds me.

facial characteristics of welsh people 1
Nose-deep in a sheep.

depressed? weird? 1
Yes. Why?

snow phallus liverpool 2010 1
Hehe. I’ve made many a snow-cock, so this one sort of makes sense.

18 teen fack in turkey 1
A cockney, looking for some over-seas boinking.

fuck bt option 3 not unlimited 1
Mick struck a nerve.

sister and dog fuçk 1
WHAT.

lord of the rings filmed in wales 1
It wasn’t, but thanks for asking.

writing about sausages 1
I don’t know.

what funny things should i shout out my window 1
“Anal”.

fat peoples bums 1
This shouldn’t be searched for. Never.

boys fuck cows 1
Hmm.

perfectly legal in this country wales 1
Not the sheep thing.

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by Chris | Posted in Misc | No Comments » | Tags: , , ,
January 27th, 2010

You can’t spell unlimited without limit

This might initially sound like a rant about something that just happened, but bare with me, it’s not. It hasn’t exactly happened to me, but that doesn’t mean companies should be allowed to do it.

Why are companies allowed to offer “unlimited” services. I’ve only ever reached the limit on one of these once, but the idea of having a limit to reach is down right ridiculous. Most of these unlimited packages offered by large companies have strict limits. They call them fair usage policies and say it’s to stop you interfering with another customers service. The only fair amount of usage in an Unlimited usage package would be as much as I want and without limit.

unlimited (comparative more unlimited, superlative most unlimited)
1. limitless or without bounds; unrestricted

If your system can’t handle offering something as unlimited, then how the hell can you advertise it? Surely it’s flat out lying. If I sold someone 10 fancy new baseball caps, and when they came to collect them I said they could only have 1 of them as I intended on selling the other 9 to other people, I couldn’t get away with that for long.

A while ago I needed a new internet connection, so I phone good old BT and request to be put on the Unlimited download package. I don’t really care about speed, even 2mb/s would be fine for me, if I could leave it downloading whenever I wanted. The lady on the phone was happy to offer me Option 3, the most expensive package, called the Unlimited package. This is one step up from the Heavy Usage package, and I would even consider “heavy usage” to be more than I need. So I sign up, taking the unlimited package, so I can “Downloading as much as you want, when you want”.

No more than 3 months later, I find out that I can’t download anything anymore. Websites won’t load, and a speed test informs me that I’ve got a connection of around 100kb/s. That’s a fifth of the speed of the first broadband connection I ever had, 5 or so years ago.
This is quite odd, but I leave it a few days thinking it might just be a problem on their end. Eventually, after getting fed up with this terrible service, I decide to give them a ring. Spending maybe an hour on the phone, talking to tech support, restarting my computer 3 or 4 times, using my laptop instead of my desktop, plugging directly into the router, and everything else I’d already tried before phoning them, they tell me I’ve been limited due to downloading too much.

There must have been a mistake, I’m definitely paying the price for the Unlimited package, but maybe they didn’t set it up properly, so I ask to be put through to someone I can talk to about it. This must happen quite a lot, as I get put through to an angry sounding woman who starts shouting at me for downloading too much at the wrong times of the day. After a lengthy chat about what unlimited means and how having a limit is not unlimited, she tells me that I’m not only limited for the rest of the month in which I surpassed this limit, but the entire month following, as well. She then says there’s nothing that can be done and to go away.

Long story short, the Unlimited package from BT will limit your download speed if you download more than their imposed limit. I wonder if they cut off your phone for talking too loud as well.

My second experience with this is a recent email I received from Orange. I won’t go into detail about the hassle it took to finally receive a useful reply from them. To sum it up, after emailing the sales department I received a reply saying “Unfortunately this department does not hold information on Orange products or services”, again, that was the sales department I sent the email to.

Anyway, I got a more reasonable reply after pointing this out, in which I was offered Unlimited texts on a Dolphin package. Awesome I thought, unlimited texts, just what I required. Until, the very next sentence, which was as follows; “You should be aware that there is a fair usage policy on unlimited text messages, this will allow you 3000 text messages per month”.

So this is Orange telling me that I can get unlimited text messages, and that somehow means a limit of 3000.

There’s two companies who offer an unlimited service, and have a very fixed idea of what the limit is. Does the problem lie with me? Am I expecting too much from the word unlimited?

I would be fine if they said that it’s unlimited, did not have a fixed number for the limit, and only had a problem if I was abusing the system in an abnormal way. Maybe if I had automated text sending and was sending a text every half second during the peak hours, or something. Even then, sure, they’re applying a limit, but a very reasonable one.

To be able to hit the limit of “unlimited”, with a fairly normal usage of the system, suggests they are not in any place to offer an unlimited service, and as such should not be able to advertise an unlimited service. If your service is degraded for people around me due to my usage, then you need to upgrade the service you offer the other people, not downgrade the service you offer me to cover it.

How the hell do they get away with it. Where is the loophole in the advertising laws that say you’re allowed to do this? More importantly, why do these loopholes still exist?

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by Mick | Posted in Misc | 2 Comments » | Tags: , , ,
January 22nd, 2010

Get Some, Go Again (The night I met Henry Rollins)!

Whenever I decide to raid my Musical memory bank, I often uncover the same select slew of Artists that can be held accountable for the fiery fascination I have always enjoyed with the expressive art of Music. As an Acne-addled teen I found solace in Music much the same way as any misunderstood youth striving to find a place where they can belong. Music has always been a most attractive magnet for the supposed ‘loners’ who skulk around aimlessly, sporting slogan tee’s and quoting their Alternative idols with a religious rigour. I can clearly recollect hearing ‘Beetlebum’ for the very first time, the initial cut from Blur’s revigorating eponymous effort, a release that enticed me to plunge headfirst into my first real relationship with my first real ‘favourite band’. The sonic, lo-fi effects that can be heard eeking out of that record would lead me to discover other ‘Indie’ bands, most notably those groups that were littering  American college rock radio ie Nada Surf, a trio who’s output would push me into a dizzying Musical journey that would inevitably culminate in my final resting place being my beloved ‘Grunge’ era. Needless to say, I, just like those aforementioned outcasts, fell in lust with the characters that populate the Alternative Music scene. Whether your poison of choice be the dark, almost demonic figure that Trent Reznor has cut for the past twenty years or the flamboyant fancies of Flaming Lip Wayne Coyne, the Alternative Music scene, specifically that of the nineties, was never short on the weird and the wonderful.

Whilst the Alternative Rock phase has had many a tag tossed towards it one undeniable fact remains seldom spoken, the principle members of this ‘scene’ remain active to this day. Whether it be through the numerous reunions that have infected the current, in my opinion otherwise lacklustre, Musical landscape, or through forming other acts/cutting solo deals, those jeffe’s of Generation X just WILL NOT DIE!!!!

I put this durability down to one simple factor: TALENT! Those key figures of the last great Musical revolution were just a lot more talented than today’s heavily mascara’d mob. One name that sums up this six letter word better than almost anybody else is HENRY ROLLINS!

Actor, Author, Activist, Publisher, Recording Artist and general all-round good egg,  Hank Rollins is quite possibly the last great renaissance man. To continue with my theme of nostalgia, my favourite memories of Mister Rollins can be summed up by the exuberance exhibited by my Brother and I over a decade ago viewing a somewhat dated spoken word performance on a battered VHS tape that had seemingly been passed around our entire family tree. What we discovered on that historic Spring afternoon was a mere introduction to the true extent of this man’s numerous talents. As was always the case back in those days, my elder sibling boasting more mileage on his Musical clock could testify to being a faithful disciple for several years, however we were both sat in a stunned silence at this spectacle that our innocent eyes were privy too.

For the proceeding ten years we have followed Henry’s somewhat experimental endeavours with a keen interest. From his turn as a White Supremacist in a weekly American drama series to his tireless efforts of raising political awareness throughout the entire World, Rollins continues to shock and surprise with his versatility which is exactly what a roomful of devout converts experienced two days ago when the relentless Rollins touring  schedule rolled into Liverpool.

Infamously intense, heavily inked  and exuding an unparalleled punk pedigree you could be forgiven for reading this gargantuan gladiator wrong. Having fronted seminal Punk pioneers ‘Black Flag’ and his very own ‘The Rollins Band’, Hank’s recorded output is a brutal sprint through the mind of a very angry, extremely disillusioned young man. What Liverpool bore witness to however was a two and half hour insight into a man who has packed several lifetimes worth of adventure into his forty eight years on Earth. Henry Rollins employs the most enquiring mind I believe I have ever come across. Regaling his besotted brethren with tales of adventures  as diverse as sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with William Shatner to partaking in a trek to the Indian city of Bhopal to pay his respects at the 25th Anniversary of the worst industrial disaster in history. Despite his imposing frame Rollins is actually a fiercely intelligent individual who has crafted his universal knowledge not in a classroom but from scaling the very ends of the planet, viewing downtime as his mortal enemy and choosing instead to venture on leaving no stone unturned as he continues to plough into any new experience that will quantify his quest for adventure. If nothing else you have to respect anyone who can continually crow on for well over two hours without even a refreshing glass of water at hand to recharge.

They say you should never meet your heroes, my rebuttal to such a claim would be to get better heroes for if you can spend an evening in the company of a lauded icon who can engage you for such an amount of time as I did then you are obviously worshipping at the alter of the inferior.

The chills I experienced that night teleported me back to that pimply, pre-pubescent little boy that felt like he was discovering something special all over again.

This is how Music, or Art in general for that matter, should consistantly make you feel, sadly it’s an all too rare occurrence but those few impassioned souls can still envoke this most desired reaction and make you realise why you got into all this in the first place.

Thank you for reading this – Marty!

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January 21st, 2010

The Mime Diet

The Mime Diet

A diet plan by Michael Prince. This diet was formulated specially for mimes, and as such should not be approached by anyone without specialist training. There are health risks to this diet, but I believe them to be easy to handle and completely worth the end result. If you suffer any adverse affects, please mime the actions of seeing a doctor.

The first step to this diet, is to stop eating the fatty, horrible, tangible foods you already eat now. The best way to do this, is to completely stop eating food from this point. You have to make a large commitment to this diet for it to work effectively.
Once you get your head around the idea of not eating any other food, no matter how your cravings feel to begin with, and stick to this diet, you are ready to begin. By continuing to read on, you agree to follow this diet completely for it’s full course, and that you are a qualified mime.

Now that you’ve decided to commit, lets reward ourselves. Can you imagine the biggest juiciest greasy burger you’ve ever seen. Covered in melted cheese and grilled onions. Surrounded, on the plate, by heaps of chips. This is your first meal in the diet. You’ve imagined it, now imagine it on the table infront of you. If it helps, grab yourself a plate and put that down first, then imagine the food on the plate.
Tuck in, you deserve it.

I urge you not to read ahead and spoil the diet for yourself. This will likely lead to you only following the bits you want, and not the important and possibly harder to follow parts. I assure you that things will be better all around if you follow this diet strictly, and as outlined here.

I understand that you may feel hungry during this process, but that’s to be expected. You must not, and I cannot stress this enough, resort to eating normal food again, as an easy way out. Sure, it’ll stop you feeling hungry, there’s no doubt about that. It will also stop any progress you’ve made thus far, and set you back to square one.

For your first 2 weeks on this diet, you are free to mime all the meals you would normally eat, to ease you into the routine. If you would have a bowl of Crunchy Flakes for breakfast before work, please get your bowl and spoon out as normal. Put them down in front of you, and then imagine the tastiest bowl of Crunchy Flakes you’ve ever eaten. That’s one of the major positives with this diet, you’ll never eat a sub-par meal again. Your food will all be as enjoyable as you can imagine.

By now, you probably feel very hungry, as if the mimed foods are doing nothing. This is absolutely normal, please do not feel tempted to eat normal food again. You really need to make this commitment, in order for this diet to actually work. As long as you are drinking plenty of water, and getting your three mimed meals per day, everything will be alright.

To take your mind off the cravings, I recommend taking in a show. Maybe go into your garden and mime watching a circus, everyone likes the circus. Maybe clowns aren’t your thing, on second thoughts, what with them being the mimes arch nemesis. Maybe check out a mimed zoo. You could even, if you were feeling brave, mime yourself in a little cage for a while. At the mimed zoo, you even have the chance to mime taking a lion for a walk. Lions are quite strong though, so you might want to mime being pulled around by the lion instead!

Hopefully you are feeling better now, and less hungry. You’ve got another 2 weeks of this diet, before we can start to measure results. If you are still struggling, please feel free to mime a motivational speaker to convince you to stick it out!

You should have been on this mime diet for a little under a month now. If you are following my tips properly, you should have eaten no real food for 4 weeks, and nourished yourself solely with mimed food.

If all went to plan, you’ll now be dead. One less mime in the world, thank god. If you have managed to live this long, and aren’t suffering from any major health problems, you’re doing it wrong. Please go back to the beginning and try again.

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by Mick | Posted in Misc | No Comments » | Tags: , ,
January 4th, 2010

Allow me to introduce myself…!

Oooh testicle soup! It’s only bleedin’ January again innit? The calender equivalent to an enema has announced her chilly arrival ushering in her usual three long months of depressing despair. Christmas is over, everyone’s fat and New Year resolutions are quickly being created before just as quickly being shamefully shattered. Deary me, it’s all a tad dreary around this time of  year is it not?

Well my friends, like any good book everything has to start somewhere and a new year is no exception, as such I will be using this space to anticipate the countless exciting possibilities a spanking new year can present. A prologue if you will, a preface to twelve momentous months that will dictate an entire decade!

Alas, I digress, forgive me, firstly, an introduction. A formality any new ‘blogger’ must adhere to! My literary (r)amblings have led me to many formats the advancement of modern technology has afforded us during the last ten or so years. I have been fortunate enough to contribute Music reviews to onlybees’  sister site ‘Crowdsurfer.net’ whilst somehow also finding the time to craft an animated chronicle. Yay me! I am extremely excited to now officially commence my turn here at ‘onlybees’ and foresee forcing countless good natured souls whom I bully into friendship to view numerous egocentric entries over the next year!

So, a new year, a new site to scribe for, what a perfect link to throw out my top five hopes for 2010. Sit tight junior, hop on the snake and appear at the following five happenings in some capacity and you may  just get to skewer Franny Funbags at the senior prom .

5) Henry Rollins hits Liverpool – 20/1/09

I find having an early new year event lined up helps stave off the morose gloom a desolate January can present. Mondo praise then for bull-necked barbarian Henry Rollins stopping off at the O2 Academy and sharing his amusing anecdotes with a room full of skinny students whose turkey necks he could snap using just his mind. The legendary ex Black Flag belter will be poking fun at life’s little foibles in his usually inimitable manner. Just don’t give him any sass for referring to himself as ‘Hank’!

4) The reignition of the infamous ‘Monday Night Wars’

Yes, I realise this is my first ever post on here and yes I am WELL aware that I am about to launch into a section on wrasslin’ (a topic I wrestled with myself for over an hour before finally giving it’s inclusion the green light, snigger), look, as turgid and uninspired as many of today’s wrestling storylines often are, when an ‘angle’ is delivered right it can still knock your socks clean off. About time then that Total Nonstop Action is finally revving up it’s game and look set to mount a half decent challenge on those evil bigwigs at Titan Towers. Vinnie Mac has had the monopoly over big league wrasslin’ for nine years churning out a thousand underwhelmingly watered down rivalries for every one that is worthy of our hard earned pay per view bucks. With TNA capturing Hulk Hogan and the Dubya Dubya Eee agreeing terms with the ‘Hitman’ Bret Hart we could actually be about to witness some brawn induced brilliance again. Just don’t piss on your legacies boys, well, no more than you already have Hogan you  perma-tanned pina colada slurpin’ sissy!

3) The 2010 Comic-Con

The beautiful city of San Diego plays host to the 41st annual weekend-long wet dream for geeks and goobers the world over. Expect Cosplay, a vat of virgins and a brawl to errupt at the candy machine when Edgar cuts in line and steals Spiderman issue one from under Milton’s bespectacled nose.

You stay classy San Diego, God only knows how!

2) One Last Chance get better

For you poor uninitiated few (which translates to everyone besides Marc Griffiths’s immediate circle of friends) One Last Chance are an aspiring trio of punks that dabble in emo-inspired blasts of audio atrocity. I kid, the Welsh based post pop poppets  honed their craft remarkably during 2009 putting on at least two extremely entertaining shows that attracted an audience that stretched into double figures. For those of you who may stumble on here by accident you could do a lot worse than direct your clickers to their MySpace page at http://www.myspace.com/OLCtheband of course you could probably do a lot better aswell. In all seriousness 2010 promises big things for the OLC, as long as bass humping buffoon Griffiths can escape impending charges over indecent assaults involving a  rubber vagina…!

1)    The Marty’s go global

Yours handsomely has an annual ego trip know simply as ‘The Marty’s’ a faux awards ceremony that celebrates the highlights that have spanned that particular twelve month period.

Now in it’s third year I have plans to spread the word of my brilliance on a scale that is currently unheard of. Apart from actually hosting a REAL ceremony this time around (well a small bash in Phil’s gaff) I am working on a publishing deal which will see a DVD release accompanied by a black and white hard backed book that will collect all of my postings on this very site along with several (ahem thousand) snaps of me looking all Arty in moody poses.

I’m sure you’ll agree we are all in for one wild ride. HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone, here’s to a wonderful twelve months!

Marty!

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by Marty | Posted in Misc | No Comments » |
December 2nd, 2009

Delta Taxis’ “X-Mas X-Word”

We got an advert for Delta Taxis this morning, it was a christmas crossword offering £100 for the first 10 completed entries picked out of a bag. It was mindlessly easy, but some people are mindless. Here are the answers;

Across:
02. Party
03. Tree
05. Carol
07. Hamper
09. Day
12. Shopping
15. Bauble
16. Eve
18. Stocking
19. Decorations
20. Dinner
22. Cards
Down:
01. Paper
03. Turkey
04. Fairy
05. Cake
06. Lights
08. Pudding
10. Number One
11. Cracker
12. Presents
14. Candles
17. Joy



If you win, I get 50%!

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October 9th, 2009

Stop Being Fucking Offended

People are “offended” by so many ridiculous things these days, this might turn into a much longer post than I planned. I’m sure something else will come to my and make it even longer, so what I’ll do is split it up into a couple of posts, and get this written up over the next few days.

I’ll kick off with swearing, as it’s the least taboo. Here is a list of my favourite swear words; Fuck (obviously, it’s so versatile), cunt (it’s a pretty good insult, obviously not when taken literally, but when said in a cockney accent its brilliant), bollocks (if you mess something up, you need to say bollocks to begin the path to recovery). There are more, but these are my favourites.

There is no reason what-so-ever that one particular word would be any worse than another. A word being a swear word is so arbitrary, that literally any word could be included. There are many reasons that swear words would or could be used, more often than not they are added into a sentence for emphasis or as a replacement for another word which might not be considered swearing.
For example, “You fucking idiot”, if you’re annoyed at someone you might wish to express that annoyance, adding the swear word conveys that fairly well. Another example would be “I feel shit”, now we all know he doesn’t mean he feels like faeces, yet we understand he doesn’t feel his best. In both of these examples the swear words could easily have been replaced with other things; “You blithering idiot” and “I feel bad”. What makes the words “blithering” and “bad” so much better words?
Any word in the world can be used as a swear word, and singling out some words because at some point someone didn’t like them, is ridiculous. If I was to start a tirade about how much I hate someone, using words like “bonehead” and “cretin” I could still get it into a PG12 film, as opposed to if I called him a “twat” or a “bastard”. Why is this? I’ve still verbally abused someone, and surely that’s where the problem lies.

The only problem I can conceivably  see with swearing, is laziness. Instead of wording your gripes eloquently, you resort to interchangeable phrases with little real meaning. If this is the case, what is the point of censorship? Ever seen something written as “tw*t” or “f**k” before? Hell, even comics that kids read do it with a couple from the top row “#’!$%”. Not only do we still know exactly what the word says (except in the case of the comics, when a little guess work might be required), but it’s the same laziness as before. There’s nothing specific about the chosen word, not that deciding to call someone someone a “nincompoop” actually means anything.
Are we that stupid that hiding part of something automatically absolves it from any wrong doing? There are so many reasons why that is not the case, that it’s not even worth going into.

If someone cares that you said a word that they don’t like, then surely it’s their problem because they chose not to like the word. If I had a problem with the colour red, I wouldn’t be within my rights to complain if I saw anything red. Get out there and bastard swear if you want. Who fucking cares?

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by Mick | Posted in Misc | 1 Comment » | Tags: , , ,
September 9th, 2009

You Don’t Even Deserve Email

!!! WARNING !!!
If you receive an email titled I LIKE DOGS, please do not not not open it.
It will wipe your hard drive and send itself to everyone on your contact list.
Send this to everyone you know, so they don't have the same problem!!!
Microsoft has recently bought Yahoo and decided to start charging
for a hotmail or yahoo mail account. The only way to keep your account,
is to send this email on in the next 7 days. If you do not send this email
to at least 10 people, you will need to pay $9.95 per month to keep your email account.

Sound familiar? If you’re an email user, chances are you’ve seen something like this before. A typical fake warning email. There are many many variations, including some that suggest receiving an email or a friend request by a certain person will lead to a similar situation.

The latest one I received was with regards to a phone system. Basically, if someone calls you to tell you that your BT bill is unpaid, BEWAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (especially if you’re not actually with BT). The email tells of how the mysterious stranger convinced the emailee that he needed to pay BT for using their service, even though he was with Virgin Media for his phone line. To prove he was official, it says, the caller disabled the customers line.

Now we all know this is complete and utter fiction. If there was a way, for an average Joe to disable peoples phone lines, there are that many mischievious people and utter cunts out there, that hardly anyone would have a phone line to use.

I can only assume this utter panic comes from peoples lack of understanding. In most cases it’s not understanding how emails or computers work well enough, to know what is suggested is impossible or perfectly easilly avoided. In other cases, it’s more specific knowledge, like how a phone system works in the example above. Now I say it’s a lack of understand that causes it, but it all boils down to a lack of common sense.

  • If whatever the email says is true, why have you only heard of it through a chain email sent to you by your friend?
  • Why are virus checker companies unaware of this new virus, leaving it up to word of mouth to avoid?
  • If you forward an email on to 10 friends, and 2 of those friends forward it on, that list of names supposedly “signing” the email gets split into two separate lists right there.
  • You’re sending an email out with maybe 200-300 email addresses in it, that it’s been forwarded to and from in the past. All it takes is for this email to be forwarded to the wrong person, and all of those addresses are in the hands of companies that make money from spam email, or phishing attacks.
  • The email is a threat. Do this or else. Fair enough the or else is “bad luck for 7 years”, or the risk that “your crush” won’t “phone you at 1 to tell you they feel the same way about you”. Stop negotiating with terrorists, and don’t send the email on!

There are so many reasons why any of these emails are both ridiculous and potentially dangerous. Forward them on if you want, but don’t fucking send them to me!

Now tweet this and send this link to everyone you know, or you will have bad luck for 7 years.

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by Mick | Posted in Misc | 1 Comment » |
September 8th, 2009

Mills and Boon Politely Declined

I sent an idea to sexy publishers Mills and Boon. It was a sure fire hit. Read all about it in my last post. Today I got a reply, this is what it said:

Dear Mr Welsh,

Thank you for sending your submission.

Harlequin Mills & Boon deal exclusively with the genre of romantic fiction for women. Since your material does not come into this category, we are unable to offer an opinion on your work.

Thank you for thinking of Harlequin Mills & Boon.

Yours sincerely,

Editorial Department
Harlequin Mills & Boon

SHAME! Don’t you just hate generic responses? Maybe it was the reference to Dog the Bounty Hunter that put them off.

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by Chris | Posted in Misc | No Comments » | Tags: , ,
September 7th, 2009

A Humble Request To Mills & Boon

Recently, I had the idea of combining everyone’s favourite sexed-up novels with historical figures and locales. This isn’t something I could self-write, because I would probably be rubbish at romance novels and it would end up incredibly silly. Which would be the point, but wouldn’t come out as effectively as simply changing the names of the existing stories. Which, I think, would be hilarious.

So, I contacted Mills & Boon, the biggest publisher of such works, to let them know my idea. I’ve only just fired it off, so I’ll let you know if I hear back. I think it’d be a great idea, appealing to anyone with a dry sense of humour and students, who think anything with a bit of an edge is totally fucking hilarious. Either way, it’d sell like hot cakes and you could even give them to your horny nan who probably wouldn’t know better.

Anyway, here’s what I sent them. Let me know what you think.

 

from: Chris Welsh <*********@googlemail.com>
to: submissions@hmb.co.uk

date: 7 September 2009 21:42
subject: A Proposition.
mailed-by; googlemail.com

Dear Sir/Madam
 
I’ve hit upon an idea and humbly request a moment of your time to outline it. I’ve done nothing towards the idea as of yet, as I am certain I would need permission from the original author (and yourselves) to continue. Please read on.
 
Inspired by the recent success of books like ‘Pride and Predjudice and Zombies’, which took the template and storyline of the classic Jane Austen novel, injected a healthy amount of black humour and the undead, before going on to sell millions around the world, I feel I could tap into a similar vein of story-telling that would utilise the long-standing back catalogue of the Mills and Boon novels.
 
Justifiable well known for publishing ‘saucy’ reads, and popular to housewives across the globe, your publishing company have built up and amazing reputation in the romance novel arena. However, the only place I can admit to seeing your books is on the shelves in Asda at the knock-down price of £1.99 each, where a young lady stood flicking through one of your steamier novels, guffawing loudly as she did so. This is not the ideal reaction, I’m sure. So how best to appeal to the younger crowd? My idea is detailed below.
 
Largely, the books themselves would remain as they are, but with minor changes to the character names and setting. It would be relatively simple to do, but would instil a wry humour to them that is so popular to the younger, casual book buyer these days. Simply by changing the names of the character to those of popular, cultural or historical icons, it is easy to envisage your books on sale in the ‘humour’ section of Waterstones, or in the limited selection in stock at HMV. What is viewed largely as a laughing stock to anybody under the age of 30 (no offense) would suddenly become the ideal stocking-filler gift for your friend or flat mate.
 
Imagine, for a more extreme example, the sultry affairs detailed in any one of the Mills and Boon novels, but starring Hitler and his doting wife Eva Braun, set against the back-drop of Nazi Germany. Or madly-in-love Fred and Rose West. Dog the Bounty Hunter could have an entire series devoted to his escapades. Any sudden pop-culture icon could have their own book churned out within a week. Susan Boyle’s falsified tales of bedtime romps would have had whole legions of student-types rolling in the classrooms. It sounds ridiculous, sure, but black humour is a huge market and it just takes a publisher with enough guts to step into it’s ring, as it were.
 
The coffee tables of Britain’s youthful, trendy elite wouldn’t know what hit them.
 
As for me, I would be more than happy to adapt such works. I am a young aspiring writer, having written for music website www.crowdsurfer.net and personal blog www.onlybees.com/b/ , and I have a few other writing projects in the works.
 
I look forward to hearing from you.
 
Regards
 
Christopher Welsh

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by Chris | Posted in Misc | 1 Comment » | Tags: , ,
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