It’s finished and you can buy it and everything, from here:

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-end-of-superhero-man/11396820?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/center/3

There are three versions currently on there. One is A4 sized, and I have had a proof-copy of it through. It’s lovely and big with giant letters and a shiny cover. But it’s £12.00, so unless you like really big books, don’t bother with this one. It only exists because I wasn’t paying attention when I was ‘making’ it on lulu.com.

The second version is the proper one. It’s A5, so fits in bags etc without crushing that weird little cuddly keyring you carry everywhere for fear of dying if you’re caught without it. You freak. I’ve not seen a version of this one, but if the bigger version is anything to go by, it’ll be pretty sexy. In fact, the ‘Edition’ of this one actually says ‘Sexy’. So it must be true.

The third version is a PDF version which panders only to fools with iPads and a raging erection for eye-strain and touchscreens. However, if you DO want this version, don’t buy it from Lulu. It’s a fiver and I only get £3 of that. I’m happy to just send you a PDF version for free, on the promise that you buy the paper version if you like it even a little bit.

Anyway, there you go. This is the crappiest method of publishing that I can think of, bar hand-writing it on rolls of toilet paper and distributing it via carrier pigeon. So it isn’t ideal, but in the giant gap left by the lack of publisher interest, this is the most viable (i.e. it cost me nothing) method of getting my words out there.

And now to try and ’sell’ the book…

…which is hard. Not because it’s bad, but because I don’t know what genre it should be shoved into. It’s about a superhero, kinda. But not completely. he doesn’t have any decent powers to begin with because they’re stolen at the start. So is it a crime novel? Kinda. There’s a fair bit of mystery in there, too. So it’s a superhero-mystery-crime novel? Yes, but with a healthy dose of fantasy thrown in for good measure. Not ‘orcs and shit’ fantasy, but…another kind.

So it sounds like a giant clusterfuck of everything, but I think it works. Please, if you happen to read it, give me feedback here or by any other method of contacting me. My email address is chris@onlybees.com and I welcome all comments except ones that insult the size of my dick, up to and including “Your dick is way too big! Get a smaller dick,  you fuckhead!”

I know, okay? Quit it.

Blurb.

I’m terrible at writing blurbs, and even the word ‘blurb’ makes me feel a little queasy. I mean, BLUUURRRRRB. It’s horrible.

The story follows a specific time in Superhero Man’s life, right after he wakes up, hungover and with no a very hazy memory of the night before, to find that all of his powers have been stolen. From there, he deals with the loss as best he can, by collapsing and vowing to never move again. But then one power is returned, left on his doorstep for him to find. It’s enough to urge him into action, and set his mind to finding out exactly what happened to him.

Which would be simple, if he had his powers. Which he doesn’t.

He soon learns that someone is playing with him, leading him on and pushing him into situations he doesn’t like. He’s lived alone all his life, largely shunned by the public, living as little of his life as possible outside of his pre-arranged Superhero duties. He’s generic, he’s boring, and he used to be able to fly.

As the story progresses, he meets people he’s met before but never had a conversation with, accidentally bullies an eel, and foolishly throws himself off the side of a moving train.

Then some other shit happens. Just read the book.

(Incidentally, despite my sweary nature, I’ve managed to reign myself in quite well. I think, in total, there are about ten swears in the whole thing and not one of them is ‘cunt’)

Crispin Glover.

Perhaps best known for playing Marty McFly’s dad back in the future-day, he steals every single scene he’s in and runs with it. As the one-armed bellhop of the now-times, he’s an angry misanthrope, but back in the 80’s he’s a happy-go-lucky goon with a knack for getting his unlucky limb in all manner of dangerous situations. He’s very good, and a stand-out act in an impressively funny movie.

The movie follows the story of 3 friends and a younger nephew trying to overcome their tepid lives, having allowed them to grind horribly to a halt as they entered their middle-age. Lou, played with wild-eyed fury by Rob Corddry, the ‘crazy’ one suspected of attemping suicide, needs to be supervised for a few days to make sure he doesn’t top himself again. Old friends Adam and Nick (John Cusack and Craig Robinson respectively) decide to take him to their old winter-haunt, ski-centre Kodica Valley for a break and a drinking session. For some reason, they also take Adam’s nephew, played by Clark Duke.

Then, a Hot Tub happens.

I went in expecting a ‘The Hangover’-lite kinda movie, assuming the best bits would be in the trailer bar a few jokes deemed ‘too hot’, wrapped around a formulaic ‘oop, we’re back in the 80s!’ plot. And to an extent, that’s what I got – it follows The Hangover closely, sending 4 stereotypes on a drinking binge and documenting the wacky antics that occur immediately following. As with The Hangover, the night the plot hinges on is dealt with in under a minute. The film quick-edits through buckets of alcohol as the four men drink themselves stupid in the titular Hot Tub, get a little messy, and wake up with a situation on their hands. Except, in HTTM, they don’t find a tiger in the bathroom and a quarter of their party missing, they find cassette walkmans and Alf on the TV.

Yep, as contrived and silly as it is, the Hot Tub Time Machine proves to be a wonderful MacGuffin to throw the characters back in time to deal with their former problems. They see each other as their 2010 versions, rocking beer-guts and receding hairlines, but the guests of the ski resort see them as they were in the 80s. Jacob is viewed as his 2010 self at all times, having not been born at the time in question. Don’t think about it, just accept it for now. I’ll get to that in a minute.

It’s a fun movie, not to be dwelled on. Continuity and logic are mostly thrown to the wind. Each actor has fun with their character, working within what would be expected of their persona and pulling laughs through simply having a good time of things. Clark Duke is quickly becoming the Michael Cera of comedy – awkwardly funny and generally the same character in each role, but it works well and doesn’t for a second seem forced or false. John Cusack is as excellent as he used to be and Craig Robinson plays Craig Robinson as well as Craig Robinson can.

It plays out through a collection of well-crafted set-pieces, cramming jokes, insults and one-liners in every available space, barely a second is wasted whilst the characters go about learning something about themselves and altering the course of history for their future-benefit. The plot from there revolves around getting bak home and making sure little Jacob gets born, which mostly works out okay in the end (sorry, *SPOILER*).

But here’s my only real gripe: It doesn’t make any sense. None at all. Whilst I can over-look most things, like how it asks you to simply believe the hot tub took them back in time and how their actions all worked out well for the future selves, I can’t help but think it all could have made a little more sense with a bit more work put in to the final third. In short, three of them go back via the hot tub and one doesn’t. That one stays behind, gets rich with his knowledge of coming events and makes a good life for himself. When the three remaining travellers get back in their correct time (2010), he’s the same age, has somehow avoided male-pattern baldness and has a yaught. In fact, all of their lives have improved greatly, but the film doesn’t even attempt to explain how they would suddenly cope with everything in their lives having changed – even for the better. For example Nick now owns a recording studio and is a talented producer – how does he know how to do that? Before the time travel he was a dog walker, now he’s famous. A good idea for a sequel would be them having to go back and fix everything, putting them back in their boring lives before whoever is paying Nick to do his new, fantastic job wants to kill him because he is suddenly terrible at it.

Anyway…lapses in sense aside, it’s very enjoyable. It might not take off and be the huge hit The Hangover was, but it’s almost as funny and well worth a watch.

My name is Chris and you’ve been a wonderful audience.

2. Much like Australia as we know it today was built on a foundation of exiled British convicts, shipped there by way of punishment, Wales has a similar history. In the early 16th century, Iceland shipped many of it’s unruly, unwanted criminals to the Welsh shores in small rickety boats made of straw and spit, in the hopes of ridding them forever. However, these Icelandic invaders found the local weather and scenery very favourable, and set about massacring the indigenous population for food and pelt. This is why the Welsh people, to this very day, harbour a secret resentment to Iceland, even going so far as to boycott the frozen-food stores of the same name.

3. Incidentally, the indigenous people of Wales originally resembled small humanoid tree stumps covered in meat and fur.

4. Tom Jones is the only surviving ancestor of this species, but has had his DNA diluted at some point down the line by a frisky Icelander. Hence the odd, inhuman look in his eyes.

5. Wales celebrates a day similar to America’s ‘Thanksgiving Day’. Named ‘Fuck England Day’, it is a day where the Welsh people unite to eat speciality dish ‘Welsh Rarebit’ and dance their native dances in the moonlight. It occurs once every three years, on or around the 17th of May, and has done since the late 1940’s.

6. Each hill in the Welsh countryside actually has it’s own name, known only to the hills surrounding it. The most popular hill is Dave, who lives a few miles in-land from Llandudno, and throws the best hill-parties.

7. Sheep are valid currency in Wales, but only if they have three legs and resemble Morgan Freeman.

8. There are only 45 3-legged Morgan Freeman sheep in Wales. One man owns 38 of these, and is a very rich man indeed.

9. Welsh men, when no one is looking at them, are in a constant state of happy jigging. It is only when someone sets eyes on them that they stop and get on with some other task. If you’re quiet, you can sneak up on them and view this ancient debacle. Though be warned: If they catch you peeking without their knowledge, they can legally claim your eyes as punishment for being a ’sneaky one’.

10. The chief export of Wales is the cheese and pickle sandwich.

11. The chief import of Wales is also the cheese and pickle sandwich. The first and only man to point this out was exiled from the country, and now wanders around Yorkshire trying his best to avoid using logic in any situation.

12. The second highest export of Wales are people who look quite a lot like Ryan Giggs. Very few return.

13. Welsh children are only taught to count up to the number 12, until they are 15 years of age. This is to avoid intelligent kids ‘getting above their station’. Between the ages of 12 and 15, they enjoy a single ‘12 and a bit’ birthday party, and a big deal is made of their 15 birthday where they are presented with a colourful book on the numbers 13 to 100.

14. Anyone who is suspected of not being fully Welsh by the Welsh community can get around this by drawing pictures of themselves enjoying the Welsh countryside. Being fully Welsh brings with it a number of perks, apparently. No-one in Wales would tell me what any of these were, despite my numerous scrawlings. I was told my drawn self did not look happy enough, even after I added a huge smile and a stick of Llandudno rock.

15. The Welsh language, seen on most signposts above the ‘English’ translation actually means nothing. The true Welsh language is known only be the 12 Welsh Elders, living in the belly of the Great Orme. Welsh people put the nonsense on the signs to confuse travellers and also to make themselves feel part of one big exclusive Welsh Club.

16. Piracy is encouraged in Wales, but only because no one knows exactly what it means.

17. All places in Wales beginning with double-L we’re actually named by LL Cool J during a publicity tour in 1993. The stunt backfired however, when the Welsh populace adopted the new names without a second thought, despite LL’s shouts of ‘Ladies Love Andudno!’.

18. Welsh people are not allowed to know about iPods.

19. If the whole of Wales was chopped up into small pieces and laid out in a line, nobody would notice.

20. Tigers are indigenous to Wales and there are thousands roaming the countryside. They are just very good at hiding but have been known to maul any visiting Icelanders on holiday.

21. Sheep are the most prolific murderers in Wales and are thusly banned from buying knives in supermarkets.

22. They also have the highest Sheep Suicide rate in the world, attributed to the fact that Wales is a bit rubbish and Sheep have nothing better to do with their pointless little lives.

23. The Welsh national anthem is actually a cover of Gina G’s Eurovision hit from 1996, played by a deaf man with a tuba in a box.

24. A ‘day’ in Wales has 3 extra hours in, but their clocks move slightly faster. All in all, they gain about a second each month. This is known as ‘The Welsh Second’, and they’re very protective over each one.

25. Wales was the first nation to put a man on the moon, but no-one could never figure out how he got there and he died shortly after.

26. Noone was hurt in the Great Battle Of Wales in 1972. Poor Noone.

27. In Medieval times, the King of Wales was decided each day by whoever could shout the loudest. This tradition was abolished with the advent of the loudspeaker, as it began to disturb the sheep.

28. Wales is the only country that observes ‘Hammertime’ as a valid time of the day.

29. Wales was a predominantly catholic country until 2003, when a member of the welsh parliament managed to film his dog doing a back flip. That dog is now head of it’s own church and is worshipped every Sunday for about fifteen minutes.

30. Ireland was once a part of Wales, until a massive argument broke out and Ireland voted to move slightly to the left, distancing themselves. The Republic of Ireland (previously the Republic of Wales) wasn’t paying attention at the time, and was dragged along for the ride.

31. If the ‘Lord Of The Rings’ trilogy was filmed in Wales, it would be called ‘Lord Of The Rings’. The location wasn’t really important.

32. In Wales, words containing only one syllable are frowned upon.

33. It is illegal to taunt others with a facial expression alone. Atleast one full sentence is required, to limit the time needed to interpret the taunt. Far-away mocking can be done via sign language or by writing an offensive slogan on a blimp. In extreme circumstances, it is acceptable to write the remarks on a well-trained dog, but the taunt only stands if the dog manages to catch the intended tauntee.

34. ‘Annoying A Hare’ is a favourite sport of the Welsh people.

35. The Welsh Olympics features such events as ‘Lying Down’, ‘Counting Mountains’ and the ‘The Long Jump’.

36. If you own a business in Wales, please bear in mind that it is perfectly legal to advertise on other peoples faces.

37. There are no boats in Wales. Only small, upturned, wooden tents.

38. Wales prides itself on it’s ability to look exactly like Scotland, whilst also managing to be nearer the Equator. It always tries to sneak a bit further south when Scotland isn’t looking.

39. At Christmas time, Welsh people play a game called ‘Flick the Pea’ to win little prizes, rather than pull crackers. The prize, moreoften then not, is a pea.

40. Wales is actually named after the large sea-dwelling mammals, ‘Whales’. This came about when the largest ever Blue Whale on record washed up on the north-western shores. The tribe of Welsh who lived there at the time were terrified and ran away, but other tribes soon descended and picked the tasty carcass clean. The remaining bones and waste was left to stagnate, eventually allowing land to form around it, becoming ‘Anglesey’.

41. Wales produces it’s own national softdrink, and ships it all around the globe. Nobody cares.

42. Meat is a staple of any Welsh meal. As are staples.

43. Only one dinosaur fossil has ever been recovered from the country of Wales. It was a miniature T-Rex, and it was found stuck to the underside of a cable car in Snowdon.

44. It is legal to punch a Koala bear in Wales, but only if it’s holding a sign that directly insults a member of your family.

45. Welsh lawmakers have no concept of money, and often issue fines with Wine Gums or Jelly Babies as the denomination.

46. Alcohol has the opposite effect within the borders of Wales, causing the drinker to become increasingly sober until they’re seriously evaluating their life.

47. Since the profilic teen-suicides of the mid-00’s, it is illegal to buy rope for an impressionable youngster unless you have a note from them saying they’re feeling okay and promise to use the rope for securing property, rather then throttling themselves. Sadly, it has become easy for people to obtain such notes on the Welsh Black Market.

48. The Welsh Black Market is quite well organised, and sells everything from handguns to budgies named Pete.

49. Wales was lost once. No one knows where it went, but it was seen sneaking back in and latching drunkenly on to England again.Worries that it had fallen in with the wrong crowd were allayed when it stopped returning Belguim’s calls.

50. Every cow in the world has visited Wales atleast once. It is seen as a right of passage. They go there at a young age to learn how to Moo.

51. Wales is actually twice as big as it looks on maps. The other half is just shy. If you stare really hard at a map for an hour, you still can’t see the other half. It really is very, very shy.

52. Nobody knows exactly what happened to the flesh-eating trolls that used to inhabit the Welsh countryside, feasting on sheep. None have been seen since the myterious appearace of a Sheep named ‘Rambo’, who carries a look on it’s bloodstained face like it has known atrocities that you could only imagine. However, it is now considered perfectly safe for Sheep to move back to the land.

53. There are only about 52 interesting lies that can be made up about Wales. 53 is kind of pushing it. 54 would be ridiculous.

54. All Welsh obituaries published in newspapers must be in Haiku form. This is to prevent the deceased persons loved-ones from ‘going on a bit’.