So, in an effort to write at least one thing a week, whilst also battling against severe boredom and a bit of writer’s block, I’ve decided to cannibalise the site itself in order to get some content.

The below is a list of ‘Search Terms’ that members of the ‘Internet’ put into a ‘Google’ and found this ‘site’. All 100% real, and about 90% terrifying. Most give off an aura of the unclean, or are just plain weird. I want to put the website in the shower and hose it down, knowing these people have been reading it. Although I’m sure next week we’ll have at least one more hit from someone searching for “Hose it down website” or something.

The numbers after the terms are the amount of times it’s happened.

Search Terms

tony starck 19
This one is normal enough. I don’t have a problem with it. I guess quite a lot of people put Iron Man’s name into Google, and 19 of them found our site. I think I’ve mentioned it once. All good. So far, so ordinary.

site:www.onlybees.com onlybees.com 5
Again, fine. They’ve googled for the site address rather than put it in the address bar. Not a problem. Move along.

werewolf rape 3
Yep. This is where it starts getting a little weird. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it on the site (If I have, I’m sorry) and I’m not about to search for the same thing to check it out, but this isjust the first in a line of strange search terms. Werewolf rape.

delta taxi crossword 3
There was a few similar to this one. Basically, we received a crossword through our front door from a local taxi company. Mick threw the answers online…then people searched for it. Why the fuck would you cheat on a crossword that was put through your door? That’s like searching for the solution to the puzzles hidden in Milky Bar wrappers. And being a retard.

mogan fucking
Ah. Mogan isn’t that common a name, and one of my friends is named Stephen Mogan. So, the only logical conslusion is that Stephen Mogan has a sex tape that he doesn’t want people to know about, and he’s googled it himself to make sure it’s not popped up online. However, instead of stumbling upon the video of the bearded wonder hammering out his A-Game, he’s found something I’ve written that includes, seperately, the words ‘Fucking’ and ‘Mogan’. The dirty bastard.

“have eaten no”
This was searched for, and consequently found our site through, twice. I’d like to know what these people have eaten none of.

neon nazis 2
I really hope this was someone with far-right political view, but bad spelling.

white stripes stealing chris pontius rif 1
No idea.

“hot loner” 1
Let’s just blame Mick for this one and move on.

“no consequence” “tech metal” 1
Some unfortunate soul searching the the absolutely awful band ‘No Consequence’, who I ripped to shreds for being utter shite.

self help people fucked 1
We’re getting down into the ‘fuck’ ones now. There are quite a few. I can’t quite explain any of them but I’m starting to see the problems that my excessive swearing might cause.

free fuck viz 2
Exactly the same situation as Mogan, but for Viz. Maybe the video is Mogan and Viz, getting hardcore.

advent calendar with fuck 1
If this isn’t a thing already, I’m definitely patenting it. Every day in the run up to Christmas, you flick open a window and do whatever filthy, depreaved sex act that the baby Jesus tells you to.

fuck pcworld 2
I agree.

fuck cretin bssy movie 1
?

dog fuck 1
Mick’s fault again.

marty mcgovern 1
Marty clearly has a stalker. Go Marty. Also, I hope for his sake that it wasn’t a girl he fancies. The article all about him doesn’t put him in a lovely, take-to-meet-your-mother sort of light.

werewolfrape 1
AGAIN.

fuck to the future games 1
Is there a porno version of Back To The Future? I hope there is. “Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”.

fat people jokes in “workplace” 1
My reputation preceeds me.

facial characteristics of welsh people 1
Nose-deep in a sheep.

depressed? weird? 1
Yes. Why?

snow phallus liverpool 2010 1
Hehe. I’ve made many a snow-cock, so this one sort of makes sense.

18 teen fack in turkey 1
A cockney, looking for some over-seas boinking.

fuck bt option 3 not unlimited 1
Mick struck a nerve.

sister and dog fuçk 1
WHAT.

lord of the rings filmed in wales 1
It wasn’t, but thanks for asking.

writing about sausages 1
I don’t know.

what funny things should i shout out my window 1
“Anal”.

fat peoples bums 1
This shouldn’t be searched for. Never.

boys fuck cows 1
Hmm.

perfectly legal in this country wales 1
Not the sheep thing.