There are a few things I believe every human being should own, ‘just in case’. On the off-chance they might come in useful one day. They’re not important objects, but they’re things that might improve your life immensely, even if it’s only for an hour or two.

I’m calling this theory ‘The Airhorn Principle’, and it applies to a great many things.

 
The Airhorn

Let’s start with it’s name-sake, the airhorn. The only possible reason to own one of these is attract attention to something. More often than not, that ’something’ will be the person you’re about to absolutely terrify with a blast from the airhorn. It’s otherwise completely useless, and it may sit and gather dust for months on end. Until the time comes.

It might be a sleeping housemate, or an unsuspecting shopper browsing the bread aisle in Asda. It might be a lonely man, slowly raising his pint to his lips at the end of a long, hard day. (Note: ‘honking’ the last one might get you beaten up, so beware). From this perspective, the Airhorn’s possibilities are endless.

Regardless of the target, an airhorn will improve that hour of your life. It’s never not funny. Whether the man simply turns around and calls you a cunt, or drops to the floor, writhing in the midst of a cardiac arrest, you’ll still laugh. Even a total non-reaction from the target is funny.

 
Megaphone

This is almost the same as the airhorn, but with one important difference: The loud, blaring noise can be almost anything you want it to be. As a comedy prop, it’s invaluable. Even the unfunniest line from the shittiest comedy would be funnier if the speaker suddenly screamed it through a megaphone. It’s practically science.

The Megaphone is just one of those things that’d be handy to have. They even come in small, portable sizes that you can clip for your belt, for on-the-go screaming. At a BBQ? Is the garden a bit crowded, blocking your path to yet another hot dog? “HOT DOG PLEASE!” you can shout to the cook. He’ll hear you. You’ll get your fucking hot dog. Crowded bar, struggling to be served ahead of the kind of bell-end who relishes ’shoving in’? Megaphone. Easy.

So come on, reclaim the megaphone from those crazy street-preachers.

 
Chainsaw

Just the act of buying a Chainsaw will give any man a warm feeling in their rock-hard erection. Almost anything from a DIY shop will, actually. It’s just such a manly thing to do.

It doesn’t even matter what you use it for.

“This tree needs to come down. I’ll get my Chainsaw.”

“There’s a bit of thread hanging off your sleeve. Hang on, I’ll fetch my Chainsaw.”

Also, it’ll turn out to be incredibly handy come the dawn of the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Don’t be caught short – get yourself a chainsaw.

There are more, but you get the idea. Paintball gun, BB gun, Spraypaint, a dog with the face of Roy Orbison. It’s all good.

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