“Help! I’m being chased by a vampire, save me, oh lord please save me!” is one sentence that you will never need say again once you’ve finished reading this guide.
So you wake up one morning and see a suave, charismatic yet shadowy and cloaked figure crouched at your window, or maybe you notice a bat swooping down your chimney (Why would you even have a chimney these days?). Obviously, you’re going to be scared, and you’re probably going to need some advice on dealing with the situation.
Preparation is key. It’s all well and good knowing how to deal with a vampire attack, if you have absolutely no useful items in the house. Wooden stakes (preferably made of Ash or Hawthorne) are vital, as are cloves of garlic, religious (preferably Christian) symbols (a cross is perfect) and a phial of Holy Water (any religion, aslong as it is holy). Although, just between you and me, if you had a phial of normal water labled as Holy Water, it would work just the same.
If you are worried, or likely to come into contact with a Vampire or Vampire-like creature in the forseeable future, I whole-heartilly recommend having one or more of these items on you at all times. Whether that means you start wearing a large Cross pendant, or strapping a set of stakes to your chest, it doesn’t matter as long as you know how to use them.
My first piece of advice is, if the vampire is still in bat-form, try and trap it in a box. Any sort of box will do. A nice wooden box with a number of religious carvings on the outside would be optimum, but a Dracula-themed lunchbox is fine (and possibly even quite funny). Okay, so my first piece of advice, if you’re daring enough, is now; beat it up with a Dracula-themed lunchbox.
If you’re unable to trap the bat, then simply swat at it with a newspaper, as if you were trying to kill a fly. You would be surprised as to how well this works. They will usually fly away, but sometimes, if you catch it just right, you can kill the vampire there and then.
Your normal encounter will be with a human-shaped Vampire, whether male or female, they will look just like you or me.
Do not be distracted by the Vampire’s beauty, this is more in your head than in reality. Vampire’s look just as they did when they became one, only with more impractical clothing.
Vampires are able to project a mental image into the heads of people around them, usually making the Vampire appear much more attractive than they really are. There’s no way to see past that, other than be killing the Vampire. This just means, if you’re bragging about the hot girl you’re dating, don’t show your friends her corpse. I’m not sure how often this would come up, normally, but I thought it worth mentioning.
In order to fight a vampire 1 on 1, mano-a-mano, you will need to know one thing. You can’t. They’re freaking vampires, dude, you’re not gonna be able to hurt something that can regenerate it’s body quite quickly, and you’re not going to be able to take many punches from something with 4 or 5 times the strength of a fairly strong man. I guess that means my second piece of advice is; don’t try facing a Vampire head on, on your own.
The way to tackle a vampire is when they’re sleeping or with the backing of a group of people. If you decide to go down the “group of people” route, you’ve got to bare in mind that a mob is not going to help. You don’t want a rabble of 20 guys with pitch forks and burning torches. You do, however, want at least 3 or 4 people who know what they’re dealing with and have read this guide. My third piece of advice is; no mobs! Vampires can sense mobs coming, and will have left before you get there, leaving only massive traps behind in their castle.
Okay, let’s just get down to how to actually kill a Vampire. There’s the obvious one that we all know, pop a stake through their heart and bingo, they’re dead. I’m not sure why this is counted as “how to kill a Vampire”, and not just “how to kill”, but there we have it, that’s one method. That means, my next piece of advice is; to kill a Vampire, you have to kill it. Redundant? Maybe. True? Of course.
There are also a number of common methods, regarding putting something in the vampires mouth (a lemon, some garlic, a coin, poppy seeds, etc.) and then cutting it’s head off. This, again, seems a little odd. The removal of the head will suffice, and I would definitely not recommend trying to put garlic in a vampires mouth, they’ll smell it coming.
I’ve heard a method of Vampire slaying that involves waiting till the vampire is in it’s coffin, nailing or tying it shut and then blowing it up. This is particularly effective, as it lets you blow things up while you deal with the Vampire problem. Can you imagine how cool it feels to blow something up AND kill a Vampire at the same time?
Aside from things that would kill anyone, there are a number of methods to destroy a Vampire that should be fairly easy. The most simple one of the lot, is just by having the Vampire be outside in the sun. Given about 10 seconds or so, they’ll burn up into ash and that’s that. Simple. Next tip; kill Vampires in the day time.
The vampire will have to hide indoors and out of direct sunlight, leaving you ample opportunity to corner it and apply your chosen method of destruction.
Another way to deal with a vampire would be to employ a werewolf to fight the vampire. Werewolves and vampires hate each other. It goes beyond your simple “Grr, I don’t like that guy”, this is genetic. Maybe the first werewolf raped the first vampire or something.
The werewolf might not be able to kill the vampire immediately, or at all, but after an epic battle of one of the most feared natural predators, the vampire will sure be weakened.
Although if you’re familiar with story of the old lady who swallowed a fly, you might understand why this isn’t a good idea. That means Next tip; don’t swallow a horse.
This might come as quite a surprise to everyone, but vampires can be easily confused using a mirror. If you shape a mirror and fit it into a door way, the vampire will think that what it can see is just another room. Remember, they don’t have a reflection, so they’ll never know they’re walking straight towards a mirror. Hell for a vampire would probably include have a “Hall of Mirrors” section. Next tip; Take a vampire to the fun-fair.
Vampires are harder to kill than normal people, don’t get me wrong, but they aren’t impossible or immortal as some of the propaganda leaflets say. Don’t fear a vampire, especially if you know all of their weaknesses.
