Dear Idiots of Earth:
Please stop doing everything you’re doing, and listen.

I’m about to start complaining directly at you. It’s to do with writing; grammar, spelling, using the correct words etc.

Any user of the internet in general will see, on a daily basis, examples of absolutely terrible writing. Whether or not it’s comments on YouTube, full of misguided aggression and nonsensical insults, or a status update so totally devoid of structure or intelligence that it becomes almost impossible to read, or screaming angry blogs about nothing. (Hello).

A new, common example of idiocy that’s rapidly infecting the likes of Facebook, is people who Write Every Word In A Sentence With A Capital Letter At The Start. Get the fuck off the shift key, you retard. Or, which would be even worse, do these morons use the Caps Lock key each time?

*caps lock*F*caps lock*uck *caps lock*O*capslock*ff.

Either way it’s madness. There isn’t a need for it, and they are only following the example set by others who do the same. I’m sure not even the lowest of the low gossip magazines does this, so where have they picked it up from? Do they not read, at all, not even other peoples updates? If they did this in school, a teacher wouldn’t even read it, and would probably slap you in your stupid face for it. A job application wouldn’t make it past a first glance. How did they survive this long? They should still be repeating high school, over an over again, until they manage to grasp the very absolute basics of writing or their teeth fall out and they die of old age. It’s hard to read, too, because your brain sees each word as the start of a new sentence. By the end of it, you don’t care if the sentence is outlining a cure for cancer, because it’s clearly written by an idiot who is going out of their way to make things irritating for you. Fuck them, and their fool-proof plan for world peace. Luckily, the people who do this typically have nothing worth saying, so skipping their mutterings is safe. You’ll miss nothing.

Another common, yet ’classic’ example of non-thinking stupidity is the whole their/they’re/there or you’re/your mix-up thing. I know some people genuinely don’t care, so it doesn’t matter to them, but I personally got my head around this very simple concept in primary school. By the time I was 12 years old, I don’t remember anyone in my class having a problem with it. I could do it unthinkingly 99% of the time, as could every else around me. So why, when even the most lame education can enable these skills in people, are there still so many fuck ups? It doesn’t take any thought – it should be programmed into your brain, like 2+2=4 or ‘don’t shove your face in a fire’.

They’re in there with their bear. There. If you can’t make sense of that, get the fuck out.

(Also worth noting: swearing is perfectly acceptable and anyone who complains about it is a cunt).

So-called ‘Text language’ is another one: It was almost understandable back in the days when each individual text cost 12p, and the need to say a lot in a limited number of characters gave you an excuse ’2 tlk lk dis’ in an effort to fit more of your pointless babble onto a message – but the internet typically has no such limitations (ignoring Twitter, whose users tend to manage without resorting to idiotic shortening by simply saying less). You can say what you like, and take your sweet time about it. Hell, set up a website and really stretch your fingers. We did. It’s easy. No one will read it, but atleast you don’t have to spend fifteen minutes taking out 90% of the vowels and stripping your words bare before saying something that wasn’t worth saying in the first place.

This is similar, but not quite as bad as intentionally mis-spelling words. ‘Creem’, ‘Myt’, ‘Anooo’, etc. It takes more time to consider the correct spelling and change it than it does to just write ‘Cream’, ‘Might’ and ‘I know’, surely? It’s not like they’re even just speaking phonetically…they’re intentionally r*ping and degrading the words. Leaving a dictionary in a bloody puddle in an alley-way, taking away it’s innocence.

Stupidity/ignorance like this fills me with a murderous rage, and I firmly believe there should be a test everyone should have to pass before they’re allowed on to the internet. It should involve basic spelling and grammar tests, and maybe a lesson on how to formulate an argument so it doesn’t devolve into a pointless back-and-forth about who sucks the most donkey cocks. Anyone who fails should be given restricted access to only the cbeebies website, and encouraged to read a book instead of…whatever the hell it is they do instead. Or at the very least a man should stand behind them, screaming insults down their ears until they start to show a bit of intelligence. Retests can be once every two years and the punishment for failing two on the run is to revoke their membership to the Human race, and keep them in a Zoo where normal, not-stupid people can walk past and hurl complex insults at them, then laugh as the cretins sit with a look of puzzlement on their excrement-smeared face, banging a stick with another stick.

For the rest of their lives.

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